JNez@thirtydaes.2010

*Update: I first wrote and posted this on February 25. However, Mom has since responded and offered her perspective. I am reposting this now, and have edited it to append her comments to the original post.

So right after I finish writing the previous post, I go back in Mom’s house and realize no one’s cooking dinner. Since me and the girls were scheduled to leave in a few hours, I was assuming Mom was gonna hook us up with dinner at least, and hopefully pack a meal for the drive. But I was wrong.

Now this meal thing is an ongoing struggle between me and my Mom. She knows I love her cooking and that I have to cook all the time for the girls. But she doesn’t like to cook all the time. Still when I come home, I guess I kind of expect and look forward to some of Mom’s cooking. To be fair, she did prepare dinner on Thursday and Friday, but since we were only going to be there for four nights, I was kinda hoping for her cooking all of those days. Plus that morning, she had cooked breakfast for her and her husband and completely left me out. I was stung, but I tried not to let it get to me.

So I go back in the house and there’s no dinner on and the kids are hungry. Plus I was washing the kids clothes all by myself and was kinda looking forward to Mom helping with that too. I guess the stress of the trip, plus the mood I was in, if you’ll remember caused me to let loose because I baited my Mom into an argument then that was loud and hurtful and even involved the kids. So after I finished folding the clothes, I packed our stuff and the girls and I said really tearful, rushed goodbyes to my sister. I apologized to my Mother before leaving but she was not ready to make up and thus she didn’t say goodbye to me. No matter though…

So Mom has been known to stew for a minute, but still her son and grandkids were driving a long way back to NYC on short rest so she did call me about 7 am that morning to make sure we were ok. I told her we were about an hour away from the city and I’d leave a voicemail when we arrived home safely, which I did.

So last night Mom calls me and calmly asks me to walk her through disconnecting and uninstalling the router I’d set up because she’d been getting audio feedback during calls and experiencing internet dropouts. Of course I complied; even though it felt awkward considering how hurtful we’d hurled accusations at each other just 24 hours before. An unfortunate family legacy that I’ve been fighting hard to break with my own children is severe fighting after a confrontation that has built up, followed by long periods of silence and no contact. So it was good to see that Mom was also trying to break that curse.

Since the girls were a witness to the drama, we spent a good part of the drive processing the argument. I had to put our departure into context for them, disclosing that it had happened in a very similar way to my Mom way back when I was a child and she got into it with her Mother and woke us up to go home, aborting our sleepover with Grandma. I tried to explain that families will argue and conflicts shouldn’t be avoided, but it’s important to make-up quickly afterward. I hope they understood because I try to demonstrate this to them all of the time.

Thx for listening…

Mom responds:

Hi Son, just wanted to mention a few things that I did not see in the story on Mama drama. You were offered breakfast but decided that you wanted coffee only if I remember correctly. Also on the day of the argument we had come in from a birthday party and I was some what tired. I don’t have a problem cooking for you or any of the family. I just may not feel like doing it every day. There are some adult children who come home to visit their parents and don’t get a home cooked meal at all. since I do have a full time job and was not home on vacation during your visit , I feel that 3 out of four days is not that bad. I appreciate the fact that you enjoy my cooking and I try to do my best to give that to you.
I am not perfect either and I do my best.

My question is when do paren’ts get off the hook? Once we raise our children and they are adults do we still have to spend our lives making up for mistakes we made. I apologize to you again for all of the hurt and pain and for failing to protect you. I love you and my grandchildren very much.

When does it end??????????????????????

I’m at my Mom’s house; sitting on her porch in a mild February twilight in North Carolina. The kids and I drove down Tuesday night for a four day stay during their winter break from school. The break coincided with my nephew’s third birthday, and since my sister recently relocated back here to NC, we’d planned to celebrate with them and the rest of my family in Fayetteville this week.

The ride down was great; the girls and I entertained each other through music and storytelling and the 580 mile drive flew by. We arrived early Wednesday morning and were greeted by my sister, nephew, and 4 year-old niece. After taking a much needed nap to recharge, the kids & I accompanied my Mom and sister to their weekly bible study/mid-week church service.

After the service I contacted two cousins who live in Fayetteville and a third in Raleigh. I picked up the cousins here and we drove to Raleigh to catch my other cousin headline a comedy show at a pretty reputable comedy club. He’s got talent! We ordered drinks and hung out at his house after the show, catching up and having a great time.

On Thursday, I got to visit my father, who lives alone now after separating from my Mom 13 years ago. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but lately we’ve been reconnecting and we were able to continue that during my visit with him. My Dad still lives in the same house he and my Mom brought 22 years ago when he left the Army. My sister and I were young teenagers and the next 3 years after that would see the breakup of our dysfunctional family when my sister & I headed to NYC to live with our Grandmother.

The visit was going so well and I was feeling so confident about the emotional healing I’d been completing over the years. I was socially at ease and secure; every bit of me was wearing my grown-up. I felt successful, accomplished, and very warmly received by each of my family members. It was these comforting thoughts that lulled me to sleep late Friday night.

But it all changed drastically Saturday morning. We had all awoken early to prepare for my nephew’s birthday celebration @ Chuck E. Cheese. I was feeling rather quiet and subdued, but chalked it up to the early morning after the late night partying and was sure after coffee I would feel like myself again. But that didn’t happen. I was becoming increasingly annoyed and short-tempered and by the time we arrived at the venue, I was feeling very awkward socially and forced into conversation and smiling when I felt more and more like isolating. After a little over an hour, with increasing discomfort that was only magnified by the huge and boisterous child and adult overcrowding at Chuck E. Cheese, I realized that I was going to have to escape; dramatically, by sneaking out. So I did.

I ended up at the mall feeling bitter, lonely, and depressed. I had almost forgotten that feeling because it had disappeared so long ago due to the meds but today it was back. We head back to NYC tonight and I cannot wait to drop the kids off with their Mom and spend the rest of Sunday isolating.

Amazing upset for Eli Manning, the Giants, and all of New York! What an unexpected joy it’s been to watch the Giants’ incredible postseason run!!! Congratulations to the team, esp. Plaxico Burress, Michael Strahan, & Jonathan Pierce for heating up January 2008!

Today is the day football fans both rejoice in and dread: The biggest football game of the season is also the last game of the season. As a relatively new football fan, this is about the 4th or 5th entire season that I’ve followed voraciously. What a treat it is to have my New York Giants in the big game this year. I’m going to watch the game with another huge football fan in big screen HDTV. No endless chatter; we will both be watching and analyzing every play with our eyes glued to the screen. Here’s hoping the game is competitive and that all football fans enjoy…

Hey readers…about me…let’s see…thirtydaes is a 35 year old single Dad of 3 amazing daughters. I’m a news and sports junkie and enjoy pop culture CNN & ESPN are my favorite channels but the internet is my true joy. I love technology and diversity; which the internet marries well. However, what’s most shaped me and my perspective is my 20 year battle with HIV and depression and one or two consequent addictions & compulsions. I’ve gone toe-to-toe with them since I was a teenager and now I finally feel like I’m on this side of healing. I hope reading and visiting my blog allows you to identify with one or all of those aspects of my life.Welcome to my world. I have a lot to share….

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