i’ve been meaning to write a blog post that doesn’t rhyme or isn’t explicit to explain where my head is at but i keep putting it off…until now.
wow, let’s see, where am i? it’s been rough lately. since the ex cut me off i haven’t been able to obtain any weed. believe me, i have tried, with no luck. as a result, i decided to stop smoking, again. this is the 4th time i’ve stopped in the 18 years that i’ve been a smoker. i hope this time is for good. as much as i love the high it produces, it really is detrimental to my mental health and my productivity.
but now that i’ve stopped, my serotonin & dopamine levels are all over the place. add the way the anti-depressants & hiv meds i take affect those levels as well and you have a lazy, sleepy & hopeless me. the first week was brutal. i had the kids the entire week and didn’t get my customary mid-week break to drink and indulge my porn addiction. i just sat with the feelings (irritability, bitterness, apathy, listlessness) and dozed off all day, every day. i’ve got one daughter in day camp & one home with me, so there’s half the parental obligation. i barely felt like cooking last week, not to mention that we were nearly out of food. so the week of july 5-11 i endured triple digit temperatures, weed withdrawal, abstaining from alcohol, limited food & no money. the only saving grace was the absence of my sex drive so at least my angst wasn’t channeled there and i was able to avoid any park cruising.
so the week ended on sunday, july 11 and the girls went to their mom. boy did i drink it up! i must have had the equivalent of 10 or 12 drinks; cheap vodka, mind you. my bike is still out of commission so i walked to the park and enjoyed sunset (and a friendly butterfly that gave me hope). my sex drive still wasn’t high enough for me to seek any encounters although i attracted a few people. it felt good to stumble out of there drunk but still sexually sober.
the key to stopping smoking for me, even though i hunted laboriously those first few days, is accepting that i cannot have any. i just cannot. i accepted that the only other ways i can alter my mood are via alcohol & porn. i’ve accepted that i’m limited to those ‘highs’ so when i achieve them, i’ve reached a ceiling. i have to ride it out at whatever level these alternative mood alterers produce. i’ve been able to do that but i’m nowhere near being ready to be in the company of someone smoking and not indulge. baby steps…i remember.
i need an additional source of income. since the ex cut me off, those online teaching gigs are no more. how unfortunate for me because it’s summer and the girls & i want to do things. there just isn’t enough $$ after we pay bills and support the household. here’s where my laziness is a huge impediment. i need to come up with some other way to produce an income. not ready to go back into the work force just yet; that plan is for fall 2011. i need a side gig, and i’m intelligent & creative enough to generate one as soon as i conquer this sloth.
let’s see, what else?? i already mentioned the youngest one in day camp. middle daughter is going to 6th grade in a great middle school. we’re all excited about that. and my oldest is scheduled to come home from boarding school before fall. that will be an adjustment, indeed. i’ve all but abandoned her…something i’m not at all proud of so i’m handling it in my usual manner: ignoring it.
i need to return to posting regularly but that too is a casualty of my indolence. i know i’ll get better though; i always seem to.
