Hey readers…let’s see: thirtydaes is JNez, a 37 year old single Dad of 3 amazing daughters from The Bronx. I had a fairly successful early career in human services before I retired in 2003 to return to school full-time to pursue undergraduate and graduate degrees in political science, public health & computer information systems. Indeed though, what has most shaped me and informed my perspective is my 20 year battle with HIV/AIDS and depression and one or two consequent addictions & compulsions. I’ve gone toe-to-toe with each of them since I was a teenager and now I finally feel like I’m on this side of healing. I use this space to reveal my pain so i can heal my pain. I hope visiting and commenting on my blog allows you to identify with one or all of the many pages of my life.

i’ve had a tumultuous relationship with my father that has informed much of who i am. i know this to be both the genesis and the result of my same sex attractions. having a hostile relationship with my father growing up forced me to identify with and seek comfort in my mother, grandmother, sister and the other female relatives in my life. this completely skewed my sexual development, and when i fell for one of my best friends in 8th grade everything changed. discovering my same sex attraction relegated my already established and acted upon opposite sex attraction to the sidelines. it was a completely different beast that defied attempts to subdue or control it. and my inclination was to embrace it.

pops wasn’t having it. he must’ve sensed something, because my relationship with him changed too. now that i was older, he began to concentrate less on physical discipline and shift to crazier mind-fucks like forcing me to stand in a corner with my arms out for hours. repeatedly. with the exception of eating, going to school, going to the bathroom, and sleeping, that’s what i had to do. for thirty days. 30 days of endurance, as a consequence of failing to show self-discipline.

dad’s motives were right but his methods were wrong. and my hatred for him burned intensely as i stared at the wall counting the minutes until i could eat or sleep and end the torture. at times my defiance got the best of me and i stole a few squats but never dared venture from the spot unless i called out that i had to use the bathroom. and in the end, just like when he wasn’t looking i would steal a squat while standing in the corner to ease my pain, i also learned when no one else was looking i could seek thrills in a park to appease my shame at borrowing the one thing i needed that he kept from me: masculinity.

so if you give me thirty days i’ll try to give you

what was tried to teach to me through punishments too cruel

but i’ve forgiven my parents and so should you

we all make mistakes and they’ve acknowledged them too

so for thirtydaes i hope you find

the bitter child in you that got left behind

you think he’s dead but he’s really not

indulging him has cost you a lot

ignoring him doesn’t work either; apparently you forgot

so wonder no more the meaning of this name

i write from it to heal our shame

to show the hope in choosing to change

and declining to engage the suffering again

so by thirty days after the first day you came

you’ll recognize you’ve healed while visiting this domain


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