boy do i remember this day. in fact, i’ve been waiting all summer for today, september 7 2010…it’s been 25 years (!) since i took a tumble from one of our backyard trees and fractured my right wrist in two places.

oh the pain! but not at first. see one of my buds and i were playing daredevil and swinging from branch to branch on the trees in the backyard of our home court. i’m an army brat so part of my youth was spent on an army base: fort bragg, north carolina. in september 1985 i was 12 years old and entering 8th grade at albritton middle school. i was excited because this was a brand new school on the base: everyone wanted to go there but since it was zoned by address, everyone from my previous middle school wouldn’t be going. still, everyone in my neighborhood was going and we were all so stoked!

anyway…so my best friend…dan. daniel hubbard. he was a white boy lol who was down with the black kids in our court. actually, everyone got along. lol we had asians, blacks & caucasians from all over the states living on the army base. we all played together with absolutely no issues.

so yeah, it’s a saturday…early evening around 7 or so. dan and i were the only ones from our crew hanging out that particular time for some reason…we were bored and decided to play tarzan. we had swung and jumped from several branches in this tree already so we were fearless.

it was my turn…dan had already propelled himself nearly a foot ahead to the next branch and waited for me to catch up. i swung from the branch he’d just left on and prepared my body to swing to the next branch by catching it in mid-air. i’d done it before…

…but somehow i miscalculated and ended up on the ground. it was so immediate i didn’t really understand what had happened until i was picking myself up off the ground looking up into the tree at dan’s aghast expression. ‘dude, look at your arm!’ he shouted. i looked down at my right arm and saw that my wrist was totally misshapen. ‘omg’ i thought. ‘what the hell happened to my arm?’ up until that point i hadn’t felt any pain. but then, all at once, it came.

the agony. i rushed the few feet into the backdoor of my house and greeted my mom with my broken & contorted wrist in my hand. ‘oh my god!’ she echoed. ‘we have to go to the emergency room!’

mom didn’t drive then and dad wasn’t home so dan’s mom ended up driving us to the hospital, womack army hospital emergency room. it was there that they x-rayed & informed me of my broken wrist. i was not prepared for the pain when the doctor had to manipulate my wrist back into alignment before my arm was cast. i thought i was dying. i thought he was killing me…..lol i screamed so loud my mom had to cover her ears all the way down the hall in the waiting room.

it turned out that i needed 3 casts to heal the fracture. the first was an ace bandage wrapped in plaster that stayed on for one week. then on september 13, friday the 13th, i got fitted for a full arm length plaster cast. yep. past the elbow. oh my god it made my arm itch so severely…this was just as bad as the pain from healing! i needed 3 weeks in that cast before my arm was x-rayed again and fitted for a shorter cast. this cast was finally removed on halloween, october 31 1985 and i was pronounced healed.

lol what a peculiar event to remember so vividly, huh? well not necessarily..it was and remains the most traumatic emergency to happen to me. but what i really remember about this is…

…that i learned how to masturbate first with my left hand. lol yep. i was 12 in the fall of 1985 when i discovered self-pleasure & orgasm, quite by accident.  subsequently, stroking myself was initiated with my left hand and not my dominant but at the time, useless right hand lol.  even when my arm healed i continued to masturbate with my left hand before i introduced my right hand to the pleasure…

soooo…so many songs recall fall 1985 for me: alexander o’neal: if you were here tonight; kool  & the gang: cherish; teena marie: out on a limb; doug e. fresh & slick rick: the show/la-di, da-di… i could go on and on. but my broken wrist & discovery of masturbation turned out not even to be the most significant events of fall 1985. that was to come after halloween when dad got discharged from the army after submitting weed positive urine…

…to be continued

it’s late so what the hell

if you’re still up then yell

holla back so i can tell

but hey don’t get defensive

and please don’t take offense if

your manhood i’ve offended

see i really didn’t mean it

just feeling you up like homo braille

hehe…….lol

i’m bout to reminisce…

this cool breeze makes me wish

I was back in fall 1996

when I was only 23

and on my own finally

following the new York Yankees

as they won the world series

see 2pac had just been shot

and I was excelling on my new job

and my grandma was still alive

all our struggles were put aside

she bragged about me with such pride

and my nephew

was still little

and he was the apple of our eye

got so much love from mom, sis & I

a huge to-do cause he turned 5

1996 I could never forget this

a bomb went off at the atl olympics

old bob dole tried to run for president

flight 800 went down near east moriches

why do I remember, how can I forget?

1996 was my first year of independence

and boy so much shit

has happened since

14 years later I sit & recall it

I’m 37 & balding & have 3 kids

back then I couldn’t have imagined this

the year 2010 & what I’ve accomplished

in spite of depression i’ve learned many lessons

I’m still here to consider them thank god for the blessings

*this post is explicit. reader discretion is strongly advised.

been feeling sorry for myself lately like woe is me

cause I can’t have these attractive latino boyz i see

enticing me with skinny jeans down to their knees

showing off their sweaty draws all in front of me

trynna walk & ignore them but it’s making me weak

poor me i’m so horny and it’s making me weep

they keep depositing seeds in my keen memory

many images before me i’m capturing digitally

they cum in handy for a masturbation fantasy

i’m forlorn & obscene so i’m left imagining…

a moist furry ass for my mouth to explore deeply

and salty brown nuts i’ll be teabagging greedily

a thick uncut dick intensely throbbing & leaking

a tongue hidden in foreskin to enjoy all your semen

yeah i’m caught up in thoughts of you secretly

you prolly wouldn’t assume this by looking at me

but i’m lusting discreetly so fellas pull up your jeans please

it’s wrong to show off to the lonely and needy

rabid and angry cause i’ve only been dreaming

damn i’m trynna eat see but your ass is just teasing

so young thug in front of me pull up your jeans please

i’m liable to touch you & give that fat ass a squeeze

i warned you; i’m up on you but i don’t see you stopping me

you wanted me all along see; turn around put your mouth on me

i’m sure albert pujols has a huge ole uncut dick

hits homeruns like a school chum he threatened

a dominican with significant foreskin

he’s much too big for his little bitch’s slit

she prolly leaped up and ran away from it

silly young ho too bad she didn’t know

there were dudes so much older

who took care of pujols on the road

but still he’s arriving back home

with his penis erect and swollen

got the green light so now go with it

use your hips or lips; grab hold of it

damn ma see now you were too slow with it

i done scooped up in front & took control of it

don’t blame me young lady i’m disposed to this

been handling dick since i first was exposed to it

way before baseball

would enter your attention

you were raised on barbies & princes

i aged memorizing rbi’s & pinch hits

we both have 2 holes

so to albert pujols

what’s the difference?

been out & about got some head yep i’m shameless

ran out of vodka got some OE from a bodega

I felt powerful & blameless & did something extemporaneous

used my penlight & flame to illuminate where dudes play

in the park after dark but they swear they’re not gay

they’re cruising for sex but i done scared them away

i laugh while they dash like a morse code space

quickly but calmly as if a fire drill were in place

anticipated getting laid but in haste they escape

libido torpedoed so scurry home it’s getting late

lol I’m being a prick cause my desires were sated

but yours are still strong go on home & masturbate

damn that was so good

said the penis to the brain

and that’s how it should

be so why the restraint

he could be but he ain’t

it’s kinda hard to explain

he’s too dark so i evade him

trynna holler can he hang with

me but i know what his aim is

sees my penis when it’s dangling

in these shorts it’s so apparent when

i’m aroused but if i’m flaccid then

wraps his mouth around my phallus &

i smack his face to get it stiffened

when we’re done he’d better listen

with release my affection absconded

grab your things it’s time you departed

it’s bizarre i don’t know where my heart is

and my penis thinks my brain is retarded

i’ve been meaning to write a blog post that doesn’t rhyme or isn’t explicit to explain where my head is at but i keep putting it off…until now.

wow, let’s see, where am i? it’s been rough lately. since the ex cut me off i haven’t been able to obtain any weed. believe me, i have tried, with no luck. as a result, i decided to stop smoking, again. this is the 4th time i’ve stopped in the 18 years that i’ve been a smoker. i hope this time is for good. as much as i love the high it produces, it really is detrimental to my mental health and my productivity.

but now that i’ve stopped, my serotonin & dopamine levels are all over the place. add the way the anti-depressants & hiv meds i take affect those levels as well and you have a lazy, sleepy & hopeless me. the first week was brutal. i had the kids the entire week and didn’t get my customary mid-week break to drink and indulge my porn addiction. i just sat with the feelings (irritability, bitterness, apathy, listlessness) and dozed off all day, every day. i’ve got one daughter in day camp & one home with me, so there’s half the parental obligation. i barely felt like cooking last week, not to mention that we were nearly out of food. so the week of july 5-11 i endured triple digit temperatures, weed withdrawal, abstaining from alcohol, limited food & no money. the only saving grace was the absence of my sex drive so at least my angst wasn’t channeled there and i was able to avoid any park cruising.

so the week ended on sunday, july 11 and the girls went to their mom. boy did i drink it up! i must have had the equivalent of 10 or 12 drinks; cheap vodka, mind you. my bike is still out of commission so i walked to the park and enjoyed sunset (and a friendly butterfly that gave me hope). my sex drive still wasn’t high enough for me to seek any encounters although i attracted a few people. it felt good to stumble out of there drunk but still sexually sober.

the key to stopping smoking for me, even though i hunted laboriously those first few days, is accepting that i cannot have any. i just cannot. i accepted that the only other ways i can alter my mood are via alcohol & porn. i’ve accepted that i’m limited to those ‘highs’ so when i achieve them, i’ve reached a ceiling. i have to ride it out at whatever level these alternative mood alterers produce. i’ve been able to do that but i’m nowhere near being ready to be in the company of someone smoking and not indulge. baby steps…i remember.

i need an additional source of income. since the ex cut me off, those online teaching gigs are no more. how unfortunate for me because it’s summer and the girls & i want to do things. there just isn’t enough $$ after we pay bills and support the household. here’s where my laziness is a huge impediment. i need to come up with some other way to produce an income. not ready to go back into the work force just yet; that plan is for fall 2011. i need a side gig, and i’m intelligent & creative enough to generate one as soon as i conquer this sloth.

let’s see, what else?? i already mentioned the youngest one in day camp. middle daughter is going to 6th grade in a great middle school. we’re all excited about that. and my oldest is scheduled to come home from boarding school before fall. that will be an adjustment, indeed. i’ve all but abandoned her…something i’m not at all proud of so i’m handling it in my usual manner: ignoring it.

i need to return to posting regularly but that too is a casualty of my indolence. i know i’ll get better though; i always seem to.

preferably one with a hairy lower back

dip my chocolate stick in a vanilla bath

watch this 8 1/2 penetrate his ass

but before i do that

need my tongue in his crack

and his nuts over my eyeglasses

while i caress him with my hands

overjoyed cause his foreskin’s intact

so now i get to help it retract

let my tongue roll it back

get on top throw it back

right before i flip him over

put his ankles on my shoulders

now all twelve inches stand exposed

gripped in my fist like a subway pole

gimme a kiss on my lips and let go

i wanna watch while you explode

feel you tightening your hole

almost lost my control

damn my n***a take it slow

nearly spilled all my load

before i finished this poem

ahhh…i’m done let it flow

although twelve times two is twenty 4

i’m drunk & wanted to add two more

we watched avatar together cause the ex hadn’t seen it
but when I glanced over he had fallen asleep and
it’s 235 and really i should be leaving
but as I tiptoe to the door like a thief then
the ex jolts awake crying out for more penis
we tried valiantly but no act produced semen
time for me to go home i feel drunk & defeated

i really hadn’t planned on spending the night
but how do I leave without being impolite
relations were stalled but I hope we’re alright
so I’m waking you up & I’m asking you nice
stupid grin on my face & crooked look in my eye
I’ve been awake 17 hours damn I’m drunk & I’m high
i wanna sleep in my own bed so take me home tonight

lol what’s the meaning

everytime I go to sleep and

i find myself dreaming

of a blast of sweet semen

from your ejaculating penis

there’s no match for this demon

it’s that crack and I’m feenin’

same sex attracted i’m believing

there’s rehab for that demon

no more attraction to penis

wouldn’t that be supreme but

one more blast of your semen

one more bath in your secretions

one more slap devil quit breathing

no more masturbating in deceit and

no more slack you must stop seeking

boy your infatuation with other penis

is so unnatural and can’t you see this

no more answers ejaculate in semen

only abortion is worse than circumcision

American dicks are uglier than European

god put skin there for a reason

how could you think i wouldn’t need it

mama why did you mutilate my penis

got me nervous like i’m running out of weed

now that i’m nothing what will they all think

yep it’s the faggoty kid & he’s taken to drink

i hope all the popular girls have gotten fat & smoke crack

i hope all the popular guys have left their wives & are bi

i hope all your kids have given you shit for being a hypocrite

i hope when we reunite you apologize cause i forgive

andrew garcia was sent packing

man american idol is slacking

tell me andrew what happened

you were ahead but collapsed

under those enormous eyeglasses

oh how i wanted to have him

watch his foreskin retracting

tell me andrew what happened

i won’t watch till you come back

now that it’s dusk

I’m wondering what

if desires erupt

& possibilities open up

can I get my dixk sucked?

hah as if it could even get up

this erectile difficulty sucks

but these meds are a must

lowered my sex drive & lust

so please no longer mistrust

This was the scene this past weekend during a final four game for the ncaa championship. DaSean Butler, a popular player for West Virgina, lay writhing on the court floor in agony after a serious knee injury. His coach, Bob Huggins, took to his knees to comfort the player, first cradling him in his arms & then caressing his face and offering soothing words as Butler cried out in pain. The two were so close that their noses touched at one point.  this was a spontaneous display of fatherly affection that both touched and discomforted the huge audience that witnessed it.

twitter was first to react; bob huggins became a trending topic within minutes: most of the tweets were expressing shock & disbelief at having witnessed such an intimate moment. many agreed that the fatherly cradle & caress & physical closeness between coach and player was homoerotic and that’s what caused the discomfort. we are not accustomed to seeing men offering that type of consolation to other men. add to that bob huggins’ reputation as a win-first coach prone to outbursts & tirades against his players and then the image of this burly white man hovering on his knees astride a bawling young black man, using his body and his words to soothe as a father would a young child.

i was touched by the scene, so much so, that it got me wondering what it would have felt like to have that intimate comfort with another man without any sexual or erotic feelings. i’m not the only one, i’m sure. many young men who have never had intimacy with a father in that way still develop a healthy sexuality…why have others of us not?

what do you think about coach huggins public display of affection?

time’s up fella

death is coming to getcha

grab something to take witcha

you knew i was coming now didntcha

did your best with what i sentcha

a great father i gotta commend ya

but fatherhood should be understood

you ain’t special for doing what you should

so mr. anywho what can i do for you

did you worship as you were told to

am i what you imagined or even close to

you know your d.o.d. but you’re not supposed to

and so the next 20 years you’d better devote to

finishing off all your demons

withering, feeble and weakened

maintain your disease treatment

give up smoking & drinking

has jnez really picked his death date

i’ll be 57 will i really die that day

3.30.30 r.i.p jnez@thirtydaes

gospel artist marvin sapp

sapp is no stranger to the charts, he’s been releasing hit albums since 1995. the new single, “the best in me” is already a #1 hit preparing to challenge his breakthrough single ‘never would have made it’. this guy has an amazing voice and pours his heart out in his songs. marvin sapp has a trifecta of great cd’s: diary of a psalmist, thirsty & this one, here i am.

i’m a fan of great voices so even as an agnostic i am touched by the passion in sapp’s voice & music. in fact, marvin sapp is speaking to me through his song “miracle” right about now. omg. where has this been hiding? marvin sapp is the man.