when i start to add up the number of people that i’m no longer communicating with i’m alarmed because it’s growing. i am isolating further and further from family members. i can’t even explain why it’s happening…i don’t feel any animosity towards anyone i’ve stopped communicating with. in fact, i miss them. i wish we were in contact. i don’t know how we stopped communicating. well…it’s my fault. i didn’t call you back. i never call you back. in fact, i never call you at all. i’m sorry. i don’t mean not to. i love you. i think about you often. i’m not angry, i’m really not. i just don’t like to talk on the phone much. i don’t have the attention it often requires. not that i don’t have attention for you. i mean, i do. but…there are other ways to communicate now. i know you think i’m being selfish, always wanting things my way. “everything has to be on his terms” i know you angrily retort. i’m sorry. i don’t mean to be that way. i guess it’s a reaction to the past. there’s so much in our past. good and bad. old wounds….and now new wounds on top of old wounds. i’m sorry. i love you. i don’t want you out of my life. i don’t want us to be estranged. but how perverse to miss you and not call you. i’ve emailed you though, and sent you texts that you seldomly respond to. sure my attempts to reach out may be alcohol induced but that’s only because it numbs me sufficiently to risk rejection and reach out to you again.  i can’t believe we’re estranged.