JNez@thirtydaes.2010

i’ve been meaning to write a blog post that doesn’t rhyme or isn’t explicit to explain where my head is at but i keep putting it off…until now.

wow, let’s see, where am i? it’s been rough lately. since the ex cut me off i haven’t been able to obtain any weed. believe me, i have tried, with no luck. as a result, i decided to stop smoking, again. this is the 4th time i’ve stopped in the 18 years that i’ve been a smoker. i hope this time is for good. as much as i love the high it produces, it really is detrimental to my mental health and my productivity.

but now that i’ve stopped, my serotonin & dopamine levels are all over the place. add the way the anti-depressants & hiv meds i take affect those levels as well and you have a lazy, sleepy & hopeless me. the first week was brutal. i had the kids the entire week and didn’t get my customary mid-week break to drink and indulge my porn addiction. i just sat with the feelings (irritability, bitterness, apathy, listlessness) and dozed off all day, every day. i’ve got one daughter in day camp & one home with me, so there’s half the parental obligation. i barely felt like cooking last week, not to mention that we were nearly out of food. so the week of july 5-11 i endured triple digit temperatures, weed withdrawal, abstaining from alcohol, limited food & no money. the only saving grace was the absence of my sex drive so at least my angst wasn’t channeled there and i was able to avoid any park cruising.

so the week ended on sunday, july 11 and the girls went to their mom. boy did i drink it up! i must have had the equivalent of 10 or 12 drinks; cheap vodka, mind you. my bike is still out of commission so i walked to the park and enjoyed sunset (and a friendly butterfly that gave me hope). my sex drive still wasn’t high enough for me to seek any encounters although i attracted a few people. it felt good to stumble out of there drunk but still sexually sober.

the key to stopping smoking for me, even though i hunted laboriously those first few days, is accepting that i cannot have any. i just cannot. i accepted that the only other ways i can alter my mood are via alcohol & porn. i’ve accepted that i’m limited to those ‘highs’ so when i achieve them, i’ve reached a ceiling. i have to ride it out at whatever level these alternative mood alterers produce. i’ve been able to do that but i’m nowhere near being ready to be in the company of someone smoking and not indulge. baby steps…i remember.

i need an additional source of income. since the ex cut me off, those online teaching gigs are no more. how unfortunate for me because it’s summer and the girls & i want to do things. there just isn’t enough $$ after we pay bills and support the household. here’s where my laziness is a huge impediment. i need to come up with some other way to produce an income. not ready to go back into the work force just yet; that plan is for fall 2011. i need a side gig, and i’m intelligent & creative enough to generate one as soon as i conquer this sloth.

let’s see, what else?? i already mentioned the youngest one in day camp. middle daughter is going to 6th grade in a great middle school. we’re all excited about that. and my oldest is scheduled to come home from boarding school before fall. that will be an adjustment, indeed. i’ve all but abandoned her…something i’m not at all proud of so i’m handling it in my usual manner: ignoring it.

i need to return to posting regularly but that too is a casualty of my indolence. i know i’ll get better though; i always seem to.

i’m really not into it. didn’t put up a tree, nothing. barely exchanged gifts even. shame on me. but i just wasn’t with it…goodness. everything is christmas, gifts, cheer, family. all of that isn’t happening for all of us. some of us are really down this holiday and just want it to be over. i can’t ever remember looking forward to january as much as i am now.

still, i promised to prepare a christmas dinner and that’s what i’m doing. got a beautiful turkey i named henny as i was massaging and seasoning it lol. he’s in the fridge now, waiting for 5:00 am when i get up and put him in the oven to bake. poor guy. he’s ok with it though lol.

ahhh…what else is on the menu…oh yeah, fresh collard greens. they’re already seasoned and cooking on the stovetop along with the turkey neck. oh the neck yields an excellent broth when boiled with seasoned water. it must be cooked on low overnight though. the broth can be used for gravy but the meat…that will be tender and fall off the bones. chop it up and simmer the meat in a pan with celery, green peppers & onions. there’s the dressing for the stuffing lol.

so yep…i’m here…alone. the girls are with their mom at grandma’s house. they have a christmas eve dinner and celebration. i pick up the girls tomorrow evening and we’ll have our dinner & celebration. hah! with no tree. and one present! lol these kids are expensive. one thing now…$150 is the limit per item lol.

hope you have a merry xmas or whatever we’re supposed to feel today.

the stolis & pineapple juice

the rolled weed for later use

blew off your boy so you could individually consume

so when the haze engulfs you

you are now free to be

happily unhappy

II

spend the rest of the evening

downloading entire cd’s

Mariah’s whole discography

now imported into your itunes library

yes you have all you’ll ever need

but you’re still happily unhappy

III

a certain thrill in the chase

as you stare frozen in place

427 porn ads stare back from the web page

well this is sex safely

so for a little while its satisfying

and i’m happily unhappy

IV

so fresh and so clean

flossing hard to be seen

still i silently scream

look at me look at me

but no one’s listening

so forever i’ll be

happily unhappy

I haven’t shared my internal struggle here on the blog in a while but the last few months have been extremely rocky for me emotionally. It seems my depression has returned & along with it despair, immobilization & an increase in the vices that I use to cope with these feelings.

I’ve been on zoloft, an antidepressant for the past 3 years. It had been a blessing, lifting me out of a suicidal despair that intensified back in 2006. The clarity & peace of mind zoloft had given me allowed me to restructure my relationships with those I’d hurt so much during the time my depression & rage went untreated. But over the past 6 months, I’ve begun to withdraw & isolate again. I went several months without contacting my mom & sister. Even more unsettling, I never returned to classes after April’s spring break. I’ve also begun to drink more and more often & engage more the compulsive & addictive sexual behaviors I’ve struggled with since adolescence. My housekeeping has also fallen off and my desire or willingness to upgrade what’s become an inadequate living situation has also faltered. I basically only have the energy to care for the girls when they’re here & even that seems to require more than i can often muster.

Back in march, routine labwork my physician ordered returned to indicate somewhat impaired liver function, due almost certainly to the increase in my drinking. I’m drinking up to 4, sometimes 5 days out of the week now, and I can kill a liter of stoli vodka in about 3 or 4 days. I’m still smoking weed also. as much as i understand that it’s harming my emotional, mental & physical health, i just can’t seem to committ to doing anything about it yet.

My routine rarely varies: as soon as the girls are picked up by their mom on Tuesday & Wednesday evenings, I’m reaching for the stoli. I drink until about 1 or 2 in the morning, often as much as 7 or 8 drinks, and smoke while I listen to music, watch sports & send bizarre, disconnected & often obsessive posts to twitter. I’m also usually downloading porn during that time & perusing online sex ads with the purpose of hooking up.

Now that the weather is warm, i’m also inclined get on my bike & head to the park where I listen to my iPod, drink, smoke & look to hook up with someone for a quick handjob or blowjob. If I’m unsuccessful, and sometimes even if i am, i still return home to watch porn & drunkenly masturbate before falling out in the wee hours of the morning.

I sleep until 12, get up to eat & cruise online sex ads or download porn again until it’s time to get the girls from school at 230. If it’s the weekend, I basically lay around watching sports waiting for someone to hit me up for sex until 5:00 when I can start drinking again. it’s only when i’m drinking that i feel content, confident & in the mood to socialize. when i’m sober i’m anxious, withdrawn & terribly, terribly melancholy. except when i’m with the girls…well at least i try not to be. i always bragged about my steadfast ability to not drink when i’m caring for them. but i’ve even crossed that boundary the last 2 or 3 fridays they’ve been here.

the good news is, finally, i met with my psychiatrist today and explained that my depression symptoms have returned and shared how i’ve been unsuccessfully coping with them. he prescribed an additional antidepressant, wellbutrin, that i’ll add to my regimen in hopes of diminishing the symptoms of depression again. the psych advised that adding wellbutrin will increase my energy level, pick my mood up, and return me to the level of functioning i’d grown accustomed to. he even joked that it may increase my libido. great. just what i need. at least the zoloft side effects will counter that so hopefully i won’t be burderned by any increased sex drive.

well, we’ll see…at some point i’ll have to address the drinking too. both my physician & psychiatrist are concerned about it and urge me to find a way to cut back. drinking & taking ssri’s (anti-depresants) is advised against, but i’ve been mixing them the entire time. from what i’ve read though, the addition of wellbutrin will itensify the effect of the alcohol. something sinister in me is looking forward to that. all i have to live for & i’m still not ready to address my alcoholism yet.  i’ll see what effect the enhanced regimen has and hopefully i’ll be ready to make some changes in a few weeks…

i haven’t taken down the tree yet. not from any nostalgia about the holiday; i just don’t want to be bothered with it. well maybe there is a little nostalgia. this was indeed the greatest holiday i’ve had in recent memory. the traveling, the gifts, the family—it was incredible. and now it’s over…

…and i can’t seem to get it together. sure i’ve cooked, and cleaned, laundry’s done & put away, i’ve gotten up and gotten the girls off to school. but that’s about it. the rest of the time i’ve spent on my macbook and sleeping.

i wonder if i’m in a funk. the new school semester doesn’t start until january 26, but i still have loose ends to tie up that require me to visit the campus well before then. i told myself i’d use this week to recuperate and handle the obligations beginning next week. so…why am i feeling useless & non-productive?

i’m supposed to be interviewed this afternoon by new youth connections, a youth newspaper i wrote briefly for as an adolescent 20 years ago. they’re planning an hiv/aids issue and want to interview me about my experiences living with the virus for the past 20 years. it’s been 18 years since i’ve found out. 18 years this month, in fact. wow. who would have thought i’d still be alive and thriving now at 36.

so i should be feeling blessed and grateful, which i am. but i’m also feeling…stuck. my ex-wife moved during the holiday. she is an incredibly driven woman. she moved herself, with minimal help, into a completely brand new, renovated apartment. all in 3 days or so. she’s got a great job and is completely independent. leaving me was the best thing she could ever do

well i suppose i’ll get it together. that is if i can stay awake long enough after i drop the girls off to address these things.

anyway, thankfully, it’s wednesday. the girls go with their mom this evening. that means i get to drink tonight and numb myself over the lack of upward mobility in my life…

in an oversight, i recently allowed my antidepressant rx to expire before meeting with my psych to authorize a refill. as a result, i missed two doses over two days on monday and tuesday. when i couldn’t get out of bed on wednesday morning, i immediately understood the advisory against interrupting pharmaceutical treatment of depression. my body felt like i’d been hit by a speeding train.

my mental health appointment was that morning and when i made it into the clinic, i was absolutely exhausted and felt like i was coming down with something. as i waited to see my psych, i offered a few tweets to my followers detailing what i was experiencing. presently, i received a direct message questioning whether i really “needed” the meds or if i’d just developed a dependency on them. the subtext indeed was suggesting that antidepressants are ineffective and depression is simply a matter of will. this is an unfortunately common perception among many people who avoid or are against the use of drugs in mental health treatment.

i have taken zoloft for two years now and its effectiveness in treating my depression and obsessive compulsive disorder is indisputable (ask my family & those closest to me). the pharmacology of the medicine and several others in its class of antidepressants (ssri’s) allows serotonin, which is a chemical used by the brain to regulate mood and feeling, to remain in brain synapses longer. clinical depression has been linked to a deficit and/or dissolution of serotonin levels within brain synapses too quickly and these medicines have been shown to both increase serotonin production and prevent what’s termed a reuptake of the chemical from these brain synapses.

there is indeed overwhelming evidence that as an organ, the brain can and does respond to pharmacological interventions just as well as the heart, liver, and other organ systems. just as man’s science has developed an understanding of the functions and dysfunctions of those vital organs, a similar comprehension of the intersection of the mind, brain, and emotions has occurred over the past two decades. still, the medicines used to treat the brain have a level of stigma and attract a skepticism that those used to treat the dysfunctions of the heart, liver, and other major organs do not. i believe if more people sought out the available information detailing how the brain responds to antidepressants, i would no more be advised to avoid or interrupt effective pharmaceutical treatment for depression than one suffering from heart disease or diabetes.