JNez@thirtydaes.2010

wow two of the most beautiful r&b singers just became mothers: christina milian & the-dream welcomed violet on friday 2.26.10 while keyshia cole and nba player daniel gibson became parents of daniel jr. last night, 3.2.10.

i know both the-dream & dude are basking in the afterglow of becoming fathers. it’s an amazing feeling. and you both got to see absolutely beautiful women carrying your child. i hope you loved her like a verb…lol it’s a challenge action-verb loving a pregnant woman sometimes but absolutely amazing to see your child growing within her.

congrats to both sets of parents! prepare to be transformed! lol. most of all i send both couples enough patience & love to stay together! stay married   the first year together with a new baby is a challenge. remember why you fell in love and keep thinking about how that love created your child together. together. so stay together. let’s make sure these two couples stay together folks….give them all the support they need

it wasn’t exactly a blizzard, but new york city got walloped by a massive snow storm today. predictions yesterday were for 12-18 but we were mostly ended up in the 6-12 range. i hear we here in the bronx got the most snow, 10 inches. that’s pretty good.

new york city mayor mike bloomberg jolted parents but elated students when he announced yesterday that schools would be closed today in advance of the storm. this gave parents plenty of time to make alternative plans but the snow day was totally unexpected. our meteorologists caught it for their prediction of 12 inches of snow last weekend when we didn’t see a single flake. many were wary also because during the evening the temperature felt seasonable, warm, even. how could a blizzard be on the way, we thought…

but indeed, the predicted storm arrived with snowflakes around 4 am and by 7 am had covered the sidewalks. snow fell for the rest of the morning and afternoon. thankfully, there weren’t blizzard conditions but it was a challenge getting around.

the girls wanted to play in the snow but i am really too old for that. really. i love the way snow looks but hate that it’s so cold. it gets in places and makes you cold. i hate to be cold…and wet. ewww. sorry, no snow play for me anymore lol.

but their mom took them to the park to romp in the snow a little after we exchanged parenting duties lol. they got to enjoy it. see i remember the feb. 12 snowstorm in 2006, the presidents’ day blizzard in 2003 & the blizzard of ’96. each of those storms dumped nearly 2 feet of snow on nyc. the snow wouldn’t melt for days, it just got dirtier and dirtier…and the slush. it’s horrible getting around nyc after a snowstorm but we’re new yorkers and we do it.

anyway, the pic is from snowfall we had in december 2008. i’m too uninspired to catch another image of snow in new york lol. this one’s damn good so i’ll keep using it. happy snow day! 2.10.10. can’t wait to see what the weather will be like 5.10.10. bet you it’s a beautiful day with blue skies and a warm breeze. hurry up spring!!!

check in if you’re a parent & have a child ‘on punishment.’ lol what the hell. just what is this ‘punishment? most common: no tv

2nd most common punishment: no electronics. 3rd: reading & writing. yep. this is how bad it is….reading & writing are used as punishments

many of you parents still try the: ‘i will not _______’ x number of times. oh boy did we find a way to organize those lol. we’d write the words by rows: i, i, i, i, ….will, will, will…lol. what you got for us? 50 times? 100 times? 250? i once had to write a statement 500 times, i believe. oh boy. the pages lol

but no..it’s terrible that we punish our kids with reading & writing. no wonder they have an aversion to it. do not use reading as punishment!

dad got hip to me quick. punishment for me was the opposite: taking away my books and sources of information lol. i longed for a book or something to read while standing in the corner all those bloody hours

thing is, if you take away all electronics there’s nothing left for the kid to do but read. and hey, why not make them write about they read. practice your reading and writing skills young ‘un cause the fun stuff is restricted.

it’s the duration of the punishment though. anything over a week is excessive. really. and you knucklehead kids better understand that whatever you did to deserve punishment is wrong and learn quickly & absolutely not to do again!! that’s prolly why the punishment was so severe in the first place.

you did something again…something you already got punished for lol. now we got to take it to the max. you know you done fucked up now so we’re taking everything away from you. the hell did you do it again?? lol you got punished once for it and still did it again. i bet it was something stupid too. you tweens and teens think you’re so smart but you forget that we were you, we made you, and we are you lol.

don’t get carried away with punishments though. i know it’s hard. you’re infuriated by the offense we committed but never insult or strike a tween/teen. it only breeds hate. best thing to do is get away from each other. send your child to the room while you compose yourself. try to let the anger subside before you think of the punishment you’ll dish out. thank god clair huxtable showed us that example lol.

do not punish a teen/tween immediately and while you’re angry. take some time to reflect and examine what they did and why. let your anger subside before you punish. think about the lesson you want to teach them and come up with a reasonable consequence. lol and remember it was once you getting punished and how you felt

so punishment or restriction or grounding or whatever you call it needs to be regulated lol. some of you are excessive. way excessive. completely ignore the kid when he’s being punished. or you lack self control and strike a kid. save that for the very, very, very bad incident lol. and never on or near the face: do not strike a child in the face! omg…never, never, never. that is the most humiliating thing ever. it stays with us. if you can look your child in the eye while striking them in the face you’ve lost control. you need to get far away from each other…

i’m rambling but the thing is this….punishment is necessary so that young people learn that there are consequences for wrong decisions. but there is no need to be brutal. taking away privileges is fine, but make sure reading & writing are encouragement and not punishment.

i’m really not into it. didn’t put up a tree, nothing. barely exchanged gifts even. shame on me. but i just wasn’t with it…goodness. everything is christmas, gifts, cheer, family. all of that isn’t happening for all of us. some of us are really down this holiday and just want it to be over. i can’t ever remember looking forward to january as much as i am now.

still, i promised to prepare a christmas dinner and that’s what i’m doing. got a beautiful turkey i named henny as i was massaging and seasoning it lol. he’s in the fridge now, waiting for 5:00 am when i get up and put him in the oven to bake. poor guy. he’s ok with it though lol.

ahhh…what else is on the menu…oh yeah, fresh collard greens. they’re already seasoned and cooking on the stovetop along with the turkey neck. oh the neck yields an excellent broth when boiled with seasoned water. it must be cooked on low overnight though. the broth can be used for gravy but the meat…that will be tender and fall off the bones. chop it up and simmer the meat in a pan with celery, green peppers & onions. there’s the dressing for the stuffing lol.

so yep…i’m here…alone. the girls are with their mom at grandma’s house. they have a christmas eve dinner and celebration. i pick up the girls tomorrow evening and we’ll have our dinner & celebration. hah! with no tree. and one present! lol these kids are expensive. one thing now…$150 is the limit per item lol.

hope you have a merry xmas or whatever we’re supposed to feel today.

what a difference a week makes! last thursday i’d written about how i’ve been struggling to cope with the return of depression & that my drinking and other vices were also becoming unmanageable. one week later, things are looking up tremendously! i started taking the additional anti-depressant last friday and it seems to have taken the edge off of the extreme feelings i’d been having. but even more dramatically, my state of mind has completely transformed now that i’m caregiving full-time for my infant nephew.

turns out my sister in law’s initial child care arrangements fell through when she returned to work monday after a 12 week maternity leave. she asked if i was an option and of course i said yes. the girls & i will be spending the summer with 3 month old jaron.  :-) i’ve always been an awesome nurturer of children and having a baby around the house again is just what the doctor ordered, so to speak.

caring for jaron these past 2 days has renewed my sense of purpose and responsibility again. you all know that despite my issues, fatherhood is very, very good for me. i take tremendous pride in my ability to love and care for young children. my youngest daughters are 8 and 10 and are demonstrating & appealing for more  independence. i suppose that has made me feel less needed and as a result, less worthy.

but now that i’m caretaking for an infant again, i’m looking forward to helping him discover himself and the world he’s now a part of. imagine seeing the world again through infant eyes, where everything is new & magical. the girls and i will be taking jaron on outings with us everywhere this summer. they are pretty able & attentive caregivers themselves and will be of great help to me. my daughters are amazed at observing how gentle, patient & nurturing i am with their cousin, as memories of my caregiving to them during their own infancy have long faded.

so yeah, i’m pushing a stroller again. but lemme tell you; i’m not the kind of man you see pushing his child’s stroller with one hand, trying to look cool and masculine. what foolishness. it makes you look detached from your role as protector when you push a stroller deliberately with one hand. it’s not a whip, fellas. you’re not supposed to look cool, your job is to navigate & nurture. i’ll always have both hands on jaron’s stroller, as i did with all my children. i value being perceived as a devoted father/caregiver more than i care about looking masculine or cool.

no more daytime television either. the girls still have 2 full weeks of school left so jaron and i will be enjoying classical music & reading when we’re not outdoors taking advantage of  june’s  good weather. i believe the research suggesting the harmful effects of television watching on young infants & the benefits of exposing them to classical music.

things are looking up, indeed. it’s going to be a great summer. but in august, i suppose i’ll have to begin to address school and completing my degree again…

so everyone knows i’m a stay at home dad to a third grader & a fourth grader, right? (my 9th grader now attends school in texas with her aunt & uncle) i pick up the girls from school at 230 every afternoon and we immediately come home, have a snack, & get to homework. my fourth grader has an enthusiasm for learning much like my own. she’s bright, articulate, & very responsible when it comes to putting in 100% focus to get her homework done efficiently and usually without error.

things are slightly different with my third grader though. she takes her time getting to her homework, and more often than not, rushes through it with little attention to detail and zero enthusiasm. consequently, she often performs slightly below grade level and requires a great deal more reinforcement in her school lessons than her older sister. now i recognize that she has her own personality, very different from her sisters and i’ve supported that about her since it became clear about 3 or 4 hours after she was born   still, the level of expectation that i have for her is identical to what i have for her older sisters.

my oldest daughter had similar difficulties in grasping the concepts that her homework assignments presented. now i’m as patient & nurturing a parent as you can imagine, except in one area: homework. when i first became a stay at home dad nearly 6 years ago, i didn’t respect the partnership that a teacher, student, & parent enter into for the shared responsibility of educating a child. i thought i did my part up until age 5 when they went to school, then handed over the reins to the teacher, offering only limited support during homework. it took a meeting with the principal of my oldest daughter’s school about 4 years ago for me to realize that my investment in my child’s education is never handed off. i accept now that their teachers have an almost ancillary role in educating my children, but as a parent, it is my ultimate responsibility.

it’s been pretty much smooth sailing over the past few years as i’ve understood my role. i know my children’s learning styles, academic strenghts & weaknesses far more than their teachers, who have a classroom full of these to mesh and somehow progress in the span of 180 days per grade. this is why its important to engage so greatly with them during homework, discovering what their lessons of the day were, how they were explained to them, and what the application of these lessons in homework assignments looks like. i often find that for one reason or another, they didn’t “get” the lesson or instruction and it’s my task to supplement it with one or more of my own to ensure that they’ve mastered it. we use this rubric (introduction, application, reinforcement and testing/evaluation) at home also. but imagine how challenging that is when one wants to rush through her homework & forgets lessons just reinforced days ago?

daddy needs timeouts when i find us both getting upset during homework time. i’m frustrated that she isn’t focusing and seems to be applying very little effort. she is probably frustrated that she can’t remember the steps to working out a homework problem. i, of course, tend to internalize every perceived “deficiency” in her ability to learn and retain information, wondering if it’s my fault and worried that it makes me a bad parent. she accuses me of being too hard on her and responds to my yelling by shutting down, or worse, with tears. then i’m really disgusted with myself, having brought my baby to tears just because she didn’t remember when to “carry a one.” for the love….

i find my frustration in having to reinforce lessons peaks when i’m otherwise engaged with something else…be it cooking dinner, cleaning, trying to do my own homework, or yes…spending time online. i have to remember to make myself available to them 100% during homework as often as i can, so that i don’t feel interrupted when they need my assistance. as a single dad, that can be difficult, but usually, from 3pm until 4pm when i began preparing dinner, i must try harder to avoid distracting myself with what i want to do so that i’m present in those moments for them. when i approach homework with them this way, we’re all relaxed and patient, allowing homework time to be time together, helping each other focus and complete what is required of us.