JNez@thirtydaes.2010

been out & about got some head yep i’m shameless

ran out of vodka got some OE from a bodega

I felt powerful & blameless & did something extemporaneous

used my penlight & flame to illuminate where dudes play

in the park after dark but they swear they’re not gay

they’re cruising for sex but i done scared them away

i laugh while they dash like a morse code space

quickly but calmly as if a fire drill were in place

anticipated getting laid but in haste they escape

libido torpedoed so scurry home it’s getting late

lol I’m being a prick cause my desires were sated

but yours are still strong go on home & masturbate

i’ve been meaning to write a blog post that doesn’t rhyme or isn’t explicit to explain where my head is at but i keep putting it off…until now.

wow, let’s see, where am i? it’s been rough lately. since the ex cut me off i haven’t been able to obtain any weed. believe me, i have tried, with no luck. as a result, i decided to stop smoking, again. this is the 4th time i’ve stopped in the 18 years that i’ve been a smoker. i hope this time is for good. as much as i love the high it produces, it really is detrimental to my mental health and my productivity.

but now that i’ve stopped, my serotonin & dopamine levels are all over the place. add the way the anti-depressants & hiv meds i take affect those levels as well and you have a lazy, sleepy & hopeless me. the first week was brutal. i had the kids the entire week and didn’t get my customary mid-week break to drink and indulge my porn addiction. i just sat with the feelings (irritability, bitterness, apathy, listlessness) and dozed off all day, every day. i’ve got one daughter in day camp & one home with me, so there’s half the parental obligation. i barely felt like cooking last week, not to mention that we were nearly out of food. so the week of july 5-11 i endured triple digit temperatures, weed withdrawal, abstaining from alcohol, limited food & no money. the only saving grace was the absence of my sex drive so at least my angst wasn’t channeled there and i was able to avoid any park cruising.

so the week ended on sunday, july 11 and the girls went to their mom. boy did i drink it up! i must have had the equivalent of 10 or 12 drinks; cheap vodka, mind you. my bike is still out of commission so i walked to the park and enjoyed sunset (and a friendly butterfly that gave me hope). my sex drive still wasn’t high enough for me to seek any encounters although i attracted a few people. it felt good to stumble out of there drunk but still sexually sober.

the key to stopping smoking for me, even though i hunted laboriously those first few days, is accepting that i cannot have any. i just cannot. i accepted that the only other ways i can alter my mood are via alcohol & porn. i’ve accepted that i’m limited to those ‘highs’ so when i achieve them, i’ve reached a ceiling. i have to ride it out at whatever level these alternative mood alterers produce. i’ve been able to do that but i’m nowhere near being ready to be in the company of someone smoking and not indulge. baby steps…i remember.

i need an additional source of income. since the ex cut me off, those online teaching gigs are no more. how unfortunate for me because it’s summer and the girls & i want to do things. there just isn’t enough $$ after we pay bills and support the household. here’s where my laziness is a huge impediment. i need to come up with some other way to produce an income. not ready to go back into the work force just yet; that plan is for fall 2011. i need a side gig, and i’m intelligent & creative enough to generate one as soon as i conquer this sloth.

let’s see, what else?? i already mentioned the youngest one in day camp. middle daughter is going to 6th grade in a great middle school. we’re all excited about that. and my oldest is scheduled to come home from boarding school before fall. that will be an adjustment, indeed. i’ve all but abandoned her…something i’m not at all proud of so i’m handling it in my usual manner: ignoring it.

i need to return to posting regularly but that too is a casualty of my indolence. i know i’ll get better though; i always seem to.

my doctor suggested an anal pap smear. it’s a test for abnormal cells generated by the hpv virus (anal warts) that may indicate anal cancer.  i agreed. the results were inconclusive so there’ll be a follow-up with a specialist. great. i bottom one time in my life and all this shit happens….lol.

anyway…it appears that anal cancer is a serious & growing health issue and has begun to affect the gay community at startling rates. i googled anal cancer for more info and i came across an alarming article from the southern voice, an lgbt publication, that bluntly states the facts about the connection between gay men, anal sex, anal warts, and anal cancer. the entire article is worth reproducing here:

Anal Warts, Anal Cancer, and Anal Pap Smears

Anal Cancer, which is rare in the general population, is somewhat common among men who have sex with men. It is also increased in women who have anal sex with multiple partners. It is something you should know about. It is very difficult to treat, and like most cancers, survival is much better if it is detected early. Some new important studies about it have been published recently. It is being talked about more, and recommendations for screening will probably appear over the next few years.

Anal cancer bears some resemblance to cervical cancer in women. Like cervical cancer, anal cancer is often caused by infection with the human papillomavirus (HPV), the virus that causes genital warts. It is spread by sexual contact. While unprotected anal intercourse is the most common way to get the infection (and warts) in and around the anus, anal penetration is not necessary. Rubbing the penis outside the anus can pass the virus. It may also be spread by hands or by sex toys. The infection causes small warts around and inside the anus or in the genital area. However, noticeable warts do not have to be present for a significant infection or cancer to exist.

Most people with anal warts do not develop anal cancer. People with HIV, especially with low CD4 counts, are much more likely to develop cancer from anal warts. A normal immune system is often able to kill the cancer cells. However, anal cancer does occur in HIV negative men. Certain strains of the HPV virus are more likely to cause cancer. Ironically, some of the most cancer producing strains make flat warts that are difficult to see.

There are several methods to test for HPV infection, pre-cancerous cells, and cancer in the anal area. The most accurate is biopsy, done by snipping a small piece of tissue from the anal canal. Because it is costly and a little painful, it is usually reserved for patients with a suspected problem or a positive Pap smear. A Pap smear usually refers to a sample taken from a woman’s cervix, but it may be done from other areas of the body. For an anal Pap smear, a cotton swab is placed in the anus and rotated to pick up cells. It is painless. The sample is then looked at under a microscope to identify abnormal cells. There are also other tests that use a swab and high tech methods to identify the virus.

Routine screening for anal cancer with anal Pap smears in high-risk groups is not done yet, but it may be soon. In the last 4 years, there have been numerous articles in the medical literature about screening for anal cancer and HPV infections. They mostly recommend it for homosexual and bisexual men who are HIV positive, the group at highest risk. In May, there was an article in the prestigious Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) showing the usefulness of routine anal Pap smear screening of HIV positive gay men. It demonstrated a decrease in death and illness at a cost similar to screening tests now in use for other illnesses. However, there are still questions that need to be answered and logistical problems to be solved, before screening programs are widely accepted.

What can you do before testing is available? Pay close attention to your body. If you have anal or genital warts, keep a close eye on them. Find a doctor you feel comfortable with, and have them checked, both for treatment to remove them and to look for suspicious areas. If you have any rectal problems, see your doctor. Most importantly, make sure you are always having safer sex. It’s not just for HIV prevention. There are many illnesses that are passed sexually, and others will be discovered. Protect yourself.

main page | selected articles

wow…i can’t help but think that maybe this is just one more natural conviction of a deviant lifestyle…fellas: *ahem* get your anal pap smears.

the stolis & pineapple juice

the rolled weed for later use

blew off your boy so you could individually consume

so when the haze engulfs you

you are now free to be

happily unhappy

II

spend the rest of the evening

downloading entire cd’s

Mariah’s whole discography

now imported into your itunes library

yes you have all you’ll ever need

but you’re still happily unhappy

III

a certain thrill in the chase

as you stare frozen in place

427 porn ads stare back from the web page

well this is sex safely

so for a little while its satisfying

and i’m happily unhappy

IV

so fresh and so clean

flossing hard to be seen

still i silently scream

look at me look at me

but no one’s listening

so forever i’ll be

happily unhappy

I haven’t shared my internal struggle here on the blog in a while but the last few months have been extremely rocky for me emotionally. It seems my depression has returned & along with it despair, immobilization & an increase in the vices that I use to cope with these feelings.

I’ve been on zoloft, an antidepressant for the past 3 years. It had been a blessing, lifting me out of a suicidal despair that intensified back in 2006. The clarity & peace of mind zoloft had given me allowed me to restructure my relationships with those I’d hurt so much during the time my depression & rage went untreated. But over the past 6 months, I’ve begun to withdraw & isolate again. I went several months without contacting my mom & sister. Even more unsettling, I never returned to classes after April’s spring break. I’ve also begun to drink more and more often & engage more the compulsive & addictive sexual behaviors I’ve struggled with since adolescence. My housekeeping has also fallen off and my desire or willingness to upgrade what’s become an inadequate living situation has also faltered. I basically only have the energy to care for the girls when they’re here & even that seems to require more than i can often muster.

Back in march, routine labwork my physician ordered returned to indicate somewhat impaired liver function, due almost certainly to the increase in my drinking. I’m drinking up to 4, sometimes 5 days out of the week now, and I can kill a liter of stoli vodka in about 3 or 4 days. I’m still smoking weed also. as much as i understand that it’s harming my emotional, mental & physical health, i just can’t seem to committ to doing anything about it yet.

My routine rarely varies: as soon as the girls are picked up by their mom on Tuesday & Wednesday evenings, I’m reaching for the stoli. I drink until about 1 or 2 in the morning, often as much as 7 or 8 drinks, and smoke while I listen to music, watch sports & send bizarre, disconnected & often obsessive posts to twitter. I’m also usually downloading porn during that time & perusing online sex ads with the purpose of hooking up.

Now that the weather is warm, i’m also inclined get on my bike & head to the park where I listen to my iPod, drink, smoke & look to hook up with someone for a quick handjob or blowjob. If I’m unsuccessful, and sometimes even if i am, i still return home to watch porn & drunkenly masturbate before falling out in the wee hours of the morning.

I sleep until 12, get up to eat & cruise online sex ads or download porn again until it’s time to get the girls from school at 230. If it’s the weekend, I basically lay around watching sports waiting for someone to hit me up for sex until 5:00 when I can start drinking again. it’s only when i’m drinking that i feel content, confident & in the mood to socialize. when i’m sober i’m anxious, withdrawn & terribly, terribly melancholy. except when i’m with the girls…well at least i try not to be. i always bragged about my steadfast ability to not drink when i’m caring for them. but i’ve even crossed that boundary the last 2 or 3 fridays they’ve been here.

the good news is, finally, i met with my psychiatrist today and explained that my depression symptoms have returned and shared how i’ve been unsuccessfully coping with them. he prescribed an additional antidepressant, wellbutrin, that i’ll add to my regimen in hopes of diminishing the symptoms of depression again. the psych advised that adding wellbutrin will increase my energy level, pick my mood up, and return me to the level of functioning i’d grown accustomed to. he even joked that it may increase my libido. great. just what i need. at least the zoloft side effects will counter that so hopefully i won’t be burderned by any increased sex drive.

well, we’ll see…at some point i’ll have to address the drinking too. both my physician & psychiatrist are concerned about it and urge me to find a way to cut back. drinking & taking ssri’s (anti-depresants) is advised against, but i’ve been mixing them the entire time. from what i’ve read though, the addition of wellbutrin will itensify the effect of the alcohol. something sinister in me is looking forward to that. all i have to live for & i’m still not ready to address my alcoholism yet.  i’ll see what effect the enhanced regimen has and hopefully i’ll be ready to make some changes in a few weeks…

i awoke out of the blue tuesday afternoon from a nap with this song from the color purple on my mind. i had to seek it and post it. the message is so hopeful…i think i’d better listen. maybe you’d better listen too: