JNez@thirtydaes.2010

haven’t posted about my struggle with compulsive sex in a while. when we last left off, i was supposed to be creating a sexual recovery plan that would help me define what was off limits and remind me of my commitment to healing. well i’ve yet to draft the recovery plan, so it’s no surprise that i’ve slipped up twice since then. still, in the aftermath of the slips i was immediately accountable and quickly forgave myself. as a result, i continue my commitment to identifying the reasons why i escape that way and how i can avoid giving in to the temptation to do so again.

you know what, now that i think about it, how strong can my commitment be if i don’t draft the recovery plan as advised? let’s be honest, the reason i haven’t drafted the recovery plan is probably because i still want a scapegoat to blame when i act out. enough…here goes my first draft:

• same sex behavior in parks with anonymous partners
• visiting parks at night looking for a same sex encounter
• using sex as a drug to medicate or escape from unwanted feelings
• associating warm weather and free time with looking for sex outdoors

These are the times I am most likely to act out:

• the window of opportunity between 1230-200pm each sunny weekday early afternoon before its time to pick up the girls from school
• when i drop the girls off Wednesday evenings with their Mom
• Saturday nights after i’ve been drinking and i’m alone
• Sunday mornings when i’m hungover & horny

Those acts, people, places, and things I want to reward myself with
and add to my new life of recovery:

• sunday brunches with friends
• a bike riding or gym partner for the weekends
• something to fill that 1230-200pm gap on weekday afternoons

it’s a start isn’t it? remind me to keep all of you posted…

Note: this is part of a series of posts where I share my struggle with sexual compulsion and my attempts to heal myself. it will depict thoughts and feelings associated with anonymous, same sex, and addictive, out of control behavior that some may find disturbing.

Read Part I Part II Part III

So the literature that Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA) and other similar recovery groups publishes reminds me that in order to heal i must establish and maintain accountability with someone. I’m forced to declare that this thing is bigger than me, it’s unmanageable, and I am powerless over it. Therefore, my attempts to control it are useless. I’m encouraged to take healing one day at a time, one urge at a time, by talking about it with someone and reaching for and meeting the deeper need these urges call out for. Here is more of what SCA has to say about compulsive sexual behavior and the desire to engage it:

Compulsive sex is a cleverly wrapped package that, when we open it, always turns out to be full of disillusion and pain. By recognizing the tremendous power of the disease in us, we can surrender to the even greater power of SCA’s first step. And that can be the beginning of a richer, deeper sobriety than we ever dreamed possible.

The available literature lists several indicators that a return to sexually compulsive behavior after a period of abstinence is imminent. This “relapse” of sorts is termed a “slip” and these, according to the literature, are a few triggers that suggest a predisposition to one:

• When things go badly.
• When things go well.
• When we visit our families.
• When we come back from visiting our families.
• When we’re avoiding making decisions.
• When we feel overwhelmed by things — sometimes even the program itself.
• When we’re in a relationship.
• When we’re not in a relationship.
• When our sexual recovery plan isn’t working properly for us.
• When we’re being Secretive, or are involved in anything Abusive (to ourselves or others), or are out of touch with our Feelings, or are feeling Empty (SAFE).
• When we’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (HALT).

I can certainly relate to all of those triggers having sent me into the bushes at one point or another. The literature goes on to identify several danger signals that also suggest a weakening resolve to maintain sexual sobriety. The entire list and introduction is worth reproducing here:

Danger Signals to Watch For

Sexual compulsion is a thinking disease and easily gains complete control of our mental processes. It has a way of persuading us that we want to act out even when we don’t. Therefore we have to learn to be as alert and cunning as the disease is. Each of the following danger signals will not apply to every member, but we should all be able to identify with some of them:

• Wanting a cigarette or a drink.
• Compulsive staring.
• Compulsive watching of TV or movies.
• Compulsive shopping, eating, doing crossword puzzles, etc.
• Cutting off communication and starting to isolate.
• Letting go of the spiritual side of things.
• Abandoning ourselves, walking out on ourselves.
• Cutting down on meetings.
• Indulging in Stinkin’ Thinkin’ (What’s the use; Everyone’s against me).
• Letting our self-image slip. We begin to reinforce behavior that will consistently pull us down. We abandon healthy disciplines: we don’t shave or brush our teeth, don’t do our exercises, don’t make our phone calls, don’t clean our homes.
• Beginning to lie — to ourselves and other people. We have a lot of secrets, including irrelevant, unimportant ones. We don’t want to come out of the shadowy world into the real one, so we need to maintain the “unreal” aspect of it in every way we can.
• Looking for escapes from various areas of our lives.

Hehe…I see myself represented in all of those. Wow. So in order to maintain sobriety and avoid relapsing into compulsive behavior, SCA issues a host of recommendations for the sexually compulsive struggler. Nearly all have their root in establishing and maintaining accountability. Here is what SCA says about the diligence needed to avoid slips:

How to Get Out of a Slip

We have to become willing to tolerate the discomfort of a frustrated impulse — an incredibly difficult thing to do. Because not acting out is like developing a new muscle. It feels there’s something wrong, we’re being brainwashed, we’re making a terrible mistake.

Ironically, many of us sexual compulsives seem on the surface to be easygoing and flexible people. But when it comes to changing our minds about acting out, it would appear no force on earth can stop us. Here are some practical steps designed to break through the sexual compulsive’s “whim of steel.”

• Pick up the phone. Don’t tell yourself people don’t want to be bothered: phone calls are one of the ways we all stay sober. SCA is a selfish program, and everything we do in it — including getting phone calls — is for our own sobriety. Try calling somebody with a lot of sobriety. In times of danger it’s more important than ever to “stick with the winners.”

• Break the habit pattern. We can’t get sober in a vacuum. We can’t simply stop destructive behavior. We have to replace it with healthy new activities. Often we have to be as compulsive for a time about sobriety as we were about acting out. Try taking creative actions you’ve never taken before. Prove to yourself you’re capable of a healthy action by taking it.
  
• Think the slip through. Ask yourself, Will you really get what you want if you go through with this? Don’t dwell on how exciting it’s going to be, but remind yourself of the misery that inevitably has to follow.

Sounds good so far. I can finally say I have reached out and communicated to someone when I was in that moment of no return. And I have been able to avoid slips by thinking through the consequences. Cost/benefit analysis has also helped keep me from leaving the comfort of home to search for encounters. But, still, I need something concrete, some tangible weapons I can wield in those moments when I’ve decided to pull the trigger on the urge to remind me of my commitment to recovery. Something that also lets me decide what’s off limits. Man, simply put, I need a doggone plan of action.

Hmmm…there’s something here about a sexual recovery plan. One of the ways suggested to avoid a slip is to create a sexual recovery plan. Well damn, we’re probably thinking…is it all that??? You gotta contract out how and when you wanna have sex or something?? But you know, the despair I felt after ending up back in the spot seemingly out of nowhere that afternoon makes me realize that i really do need to get super serious about this, especially since warm weather and being outdoors is such a trigger for me.

So what is this sexual recovery plan? Again, its worth quoting from SCA’s own literature here:

A sexual recovery plan is a statement of intent of what a member will or will not do sexually. For many of us, the sexual recovery plan is the very core of the SCA
program – a commitment to recovery. It’s both a practical means of
getting a good hard look at our compulsion, and a giant step in breaking
away from it.

Hmm…sounds interesting. So how might it help me stay out of the bushes?

The nature of the compulsion is to veil our true sexual desires with fantasy
and confusion. A sexual recovery plan enables us to break through the
chaos and make decisions about how we want to handle this sensitive part
of our lives. It is essentially a process of “peeling the onion” to find what
our desires really are, and then of deciding what action must be taken to
realize them. By setting guidelines for our behavior, the plan frees us from having to make anxiety-provoking choices in the confusion of sexual excitement, and frees us for honest interaction with another person.

Oh….ok. But why write it down? Well, again, according to the literature:

It is important to decide on which practices are peculiarly destructive to
us, and for some the starting point of a sexual recovery plan is some
particular activity they want to alter. Others need to rethink every aspect
of their sexuality. Having a written plan also prevents our denial system from rationalizing changes in our recovery plan on the spot, as a sexual encounter presents
itself.

Cool, so how do I write one?

A Sexual Recovery Plan is a written guideline of those people, places and
things that do and do not work for us as sexual compulsives. The purpose
of this plan is to make clear to ourselves on paper the ways that we wish to
express ourselves. Having a clearly defined written plan frees us to
conduct ourselves in ways that are personally appropriate.

Here’s how it works:

1. Identify the acts, places and people from which you would like to be freed.
2. Identify the times these compulsions most frequently occur.
3. List the people, places or things you are willing to commit yourself to
adding to your life in recovery (be realistic by adding things that you are
willing to do – not things you think you should do).

Hmmmm….gimme an example:

Recovery Plan One

Those people, places and things I pray to my Higher Power to be
freed from:

Hustlers.
Love addictions and romantic obsessions.
Compulsive cruising.
Use of sex as a drug to escape from feelings.

These are the times I am most likely to act out:

Early morning before or on my way to work.
When I am home alone at night.

Those acts, people, places, and things I want to reward myself with
and add to my new life of recovery:

A period of healing and of professional, emotional and
spiritual growth.
An improved ability to keep my attention in the present
moment.
One more day of sobriety on this plan.

Well. So it looks like I have homework this weekend…

Note: this is part of a series of posts where I share my struggle with sexual compulsion and my attempts to heal myself. it will depict thoughts and feelings associated with anonymous, same sex, addictive, and out of control behavior that some may find disturbing.

Read Part I Part II

It takes due diligence on the part of someone who struggles with sexual addiction/compulsion to stay sober. Like any other addiction, there are triggers that can signal a relapse well before it occurs. Engaging in compulsive sexual behavior is an escape; a way to cope with all sorts of unmanageable feelings. At its core, the urge to engage the behavior often indicates an unmet, legitimate need.

Sex is a drive like any other human drive–among them hunger, thirst, love, affirmation, power & relevance. I’ve learned that the desire for love, affirmation, and relevance exert tremendous influence over our motivations and the way we choose to secure those needs. The intimacy that sex offers can reproduce what it feels like to get those needs met. So too, the physical, chemical, and emotional release offered during sex can become addictive. The more the sex addict struggles with the inability to control these desires, the more isolated he becomes due to the shame generated from indulging these desires. As a result, his chances to get the need for love, affirmation, and relevance legitimately met within the social context that they were intended decrease. Eventually these needs learn to hitch a ride on the addict’s sex drive, intensifying it even greater because it’s the one need whose acquisition becomes prioritized over every other. at that point, feeling horny becomes indistinguishable from feeling lonely, bored, unloved, unwanted or unvalidated. it all becomes one big stew of unmet needs that only find their release during the brief sexual contact with a stranger. and soon after, because there is still no outlet for the legitimate needs they begin to build up yet again, until the next encounter.

This has been my reality for 20 years now. 20 years! In that time I’ve chased away a few people who wanted to love me because they didn’t know this about me and i thought if they did they would reject me. i’ve also been rejected by countless other people who realized that as a broken man substituting sex for love and affirmation i was damaged goods. People who are whole steer clear of broken people like me. this too reinforces the negative self-image and self-perception that no one wants me. what a heartbreaking cycle.

And so what have i attempted to end it? everything and nothing. band-aids really. i’ve mostly treated the symptoms, which many identify as the actual acting out, without getting to the root, which can be any one of many mental health, social, or personality disorders. well even with 17 years of mental health services under my belt that have included behavior and chemical therapy, i still struggle to control my urges to medicate something with anonymous sex.

there is one treatment method i can honestly say i have not given myself over to, and it happens to be the most recommended: establishing accountability. this addiction, like others, thrives on deceit, lies, secrets, and manipulation. accountability, therefore, is the kryptonite to these super co-factors. any serious, committed stab at recovery and healing from addictions and compulsions must allow accountability to assume its rightful place as the ultimate weapon in a true call to arms. when during today’s uncontrollable urge and the quest to satisfy it, i reached out and allowed myself to be accountable to someone, i finally understood that this thing is and always has been so much bigger than me. there is absolutely no way i can hope to heal from it without submitting to being held accountable.

next up: what the literature says about accountability and how to establish and maintain it.

Note: this is part of a series of posts where I share my struggle with sexual compulsion and my attempts to heal myself. it will depict thoughts and feelings associated with anonymous, same sex, and addictive, out of control behavior that some may find disturbing.

Read Part I

well, they say pride goeth before a fall. and my pride can go from confidence to cockiness in the blink of an eye. pride is a potentially fatal emotion that endangers my recovery from sexual compulsion. and so it was when i found myself unable to resist the lure of a possible anonymous encounter in a neighborhood park on the first 75 degree day we’ve had in NYC this year.

It’s been relatively easy to resist traveling to this park in search of an encounter all winter because, well…its been too cold. Thank goodness I’m at least past standing around aimlessly in freezing weather waiting for my fix. But I knew once spring arrived, I’d be in trouble again…

so there i was. i’d like to think that i hadn’t decided to cruise until i finished eating lunch at 12:30 and saw that the temp outside was already 68 degrees. But the literature suggests I was in a holding pattern of sorts, where my desire to act out had already been gestating and lying in wait for the slightest opportunity to hijack my behavior. Like tree blossoms awaiting the warm spring temps to break free of winter’s coccoon, so too was my compulsion to engage this complex desire to jerkoff with strangers, well before i (gave in? gave up? stopped fighting??) and got dressed to head to the park yesterday.

i dragged the bike out from under its winter slumber in the corner of my bedroom and rode across the street to the gas station to re-inflate the tires. then i got on and rode to the spot just 10 minutes away. the sunny skies, warm breezes, and early shrubbery welcomed me as i entered the spot. i found and hooked up with someone almost immediately for what turned out to be a one-sided encounter that was over in 3 minutes. feeling energized by the warmth of the day and with still over an hour left in my window of opportunity, i lingered around the spot for seconds, watching the familiar dance of dudes in a trance looking for a sexual fix from each other. but it was not to be. my window of opportunity soon closed and responsibility demanded that I leave the spot and with it, my still unsatisfied, unidentified longing.

So what went wrong…wait there’s more:

Today, the weather was nowhere near as pleasant as yesterday but somehow, at the exact same time, I ended up on the bike and headed to the spot again….WTF? Where did that come from? A simple retelling of my emotional state won’t adequately capture my despair and the extent of how out of control I felt, so I will reprint a series of text message conversations I had with a friend who understands my struggle. she was able to talk me through those hellish moments as i returned to the spot seeking what it had failed to complete for me exactly 24 hours before. *Warning* the language is explicit and the emotions are raw:

Me: hey there. Omg i’m back here again. WTF is going on??!!!

SS: Hey, just leave baby, it’s that easy…You just recognized that you shouldn’t be there, now just turn around…

Me: Oh fuck I can’t. I…I don’t want to

SS: Yes you do, you are reaching out cuz you don’t want to do this…J…don’t rationalize it cuz “you want to” you know it’s not enough of a reason to do anything

Me: My fucking nose is running and my heart is racing like a fucking cokehead. WTF

Me: And it’s chilly out here and it looks like its gonna fucking rain

(At this point SS makes the first of several attempts to call me but i decline them, unable to express in a vocal convo what i’m expressing via text)

SS: Don’t ignore me, be stronger than this thing, you can do this

Me: Oh god I need to get a grip. I just saw a guy under the tunnel here where dudes go and I thought he was cruising but he’s fucking smoking crack. Omg the energy here I don’t need this shit back surrounding me and calling me. This can’t be happening

SS: Breathe baby…I’m trying to call you

Me: I can’t talk. I wanna leave and I wanna stay so bad

SS: I know J but I wanna hear your voice…i want you to try to refocus…let me be an angel for you today…let me help

SS: J FOCUS!!

Me: Aww fuck it’s getting colder out here. But somebody…

SS: Noooooooooo…..Go home…You are reaching out for a reason…

Me: I know. I wanna go home so bad…there’s hardly anyone out here

SS: I’M NOT GIVING UP ON YOU

Me: But what if somebody comes and I miss them? I gotta go home. I wanna go home. I should go home…

SS: Go home……

SS: If you think like that, you would live out there…[it] breaks my heart to see [you in] that pain….

SS: You are gonna beat this

Me: I’m going home. I’m so afraid. This thing is gonna kill me I know it. I’m going home

SS: ********hug*********

SS: I wish you could feel my physical reaction to this…

SS: I’m gonna keep trying I have faith that you can beat this J

Me: I’m almost home. [responding to SS's repeated attempts to phone me] I don’t want you to hear me like this

Me: I sound like a fucking addict. A helpless addict

Me: I’m almost at my building. I’ll text you when I get in

SS: You still don’t quite comprehend our connection do you?

Me: I’m back home now. So exhausted and worn out and ashamed. I know I’m not supposed to be ashamed but I am.

SS: I know you are, that had to be one of your most frightening experiences, and the rush, now you crash…

Me: Yeah. Now the crash. WTF

SS: It’s the adrenaline

Me. This shit is nothing to fuck with. What was I thinking going back there yesterday. I can’t handle this shit, it fucking swallows me whole. I shoulda never tried to fuck with it like that in the first.

Me: I am an emotional wreck and I have to pick up the kids in an hour. Geez. and now the HIV meds are starting up…

SS: Breathe J. *******hug*******

Me: I am. I’m gonna lay down now. Thank you. I’ll text you in an hour.

SS: Gotcha. ******hug*******

End. Duration 1237pm–115pm Friday, 4.11.08

Next: what went wrong…a look back.

i’m in a fight for my life here. like any other addict, the irresistible desire for compulsive, anonymous sex encounters has hunted me for 20 years. of all the resources i’ve sought and the literature I’ve read that attempts to understand and help one overcome compulsive sexual behavior, Patrick Carnes explains it best in his book Out of The Shadows. He uses this graphic to illustrate the addiction/compulsive cycle that fuels the acting out behavior:

Carnes goes on to further identify and describe the addictive cycle as this:

A thought enters the addict’s mind, which starts the fantasy. Perhaps the addict remembers an image he — or she — saw, or remembers a past sexual event. Sometimes the fantasy starts when a business traveler has to go out of town.

If the addict doesn’t stop the fantasy, it will usually build into some sort of preparation for acting out (a ritual). The addict may start cruising for prostitutes, visiting adult stores, or waiting to get picked up in a bar. Of course, the ritual can be anywhere from a few minutes to several weeks in length. In the case of the traveler, booking the trip might be part of the ritual.

If unchecked, the ritual will nearly always lead to some sort of sexual behavior (“acting out” the fantasy and ritual). All the energy invested in the fantasy and ritual are expressed here.

After the acting out, the addict feels guilt or shame for the behavior. “How could I do this again??” While guilt can be constructive and lead to healing, the shame can often lead to despair and all other manner of regretful feelings. Of course, the addict doesn’t like feeling this way, and knows that there’s a way to salve the feelings: another time through the cycle. And so begins another trip on the addiction cycle, spiraling downward…

I was going to leave it there, but I’ll add this: there’s a way out at every point along the cycle. The easiest place to stop it is in the mind (Fantasy), but that doesn’t mean the other locations are too difficult. At Fantasy, you can begin thinking about something else. At Ritual or Acting Out, you can change the behavior or connect with someone in recovery who can see you through to a safe place. At Shame, you can change it to Guilt and work on correcting the behavior.

What’s required? Humility and alertness. As addicts, we have to be alert to the thoughts and behaviors that are getting us in trouble. We also need to be willing to reach out to those who are willing and able to help us (humility). Remember, you’re not alone in this. Be willing to help others, and be willing to be helped.

the last few sentences above resonate deeply with me. i realize, that in my 20 years of war with my demons, with the exception of cognitive therapy at points here and there, these have been battles that my intense shame has caused me to fight alone. no more. consider this a call to arms.

i’m building an arsenal filled with weapons of support, accountability, forgiveness, and perseverance. i’m gonna construct a coat of armor out of the love, encouragement, and validation of my self-worth that’s been generated by allowing myself to be vulnerable and share my story with all of you. we may not all have identical vices but i bet they cause identical suffering to ourselves and those who care about us.

i don’t wanna walk alone anymore. i’m recruiting warriors who are also ready to battle themselves. exchange your shame for support by sharing your struggle. it is going to be a long, long season for me…

Links to resources for sexual compulsion/addiction

Join Yahoo’s Sexual Compulsive/Addiction online support group

now doubt by now, after reading through my shocking adolescent same sex experiences, many may have wondered just how a man who is HIV+ and admits to having same sex attraction and indulging in compulsive same sex behaviors, attracts and falls in love with a woman. In fact, though, in this past decade, there has been an explosion of media attention into the lives and stories of men who identify themselves as heterosexual, yet engage in sexual behavior with other men in secret, or on the “down-low.” Men who are physically attracted primarily to and actively seek and sustain heterosexual relationships with women who are most often not aware of their same sex attraction and the sexual behaviors that result. Media outlets have voraciously feasted on documenting and uncovering the hidden lives of these conflicted men, who at one time may have have simply been considered bisexual. But critics of this lifestyle point to the intense shame and regret that these men have toward what may often be an unwanted same sex attraction. And therein lies the public health problem, leading HIV/AIDS prevention advocates have long warned.

One popular theory has postulated that because the sexual behavior that men on the down-low engage with other men is so shameful, it is done in secret, often when men have entered altered states of consciousness induced by alcohol or drugs. With the impaired judgment that implies, there is often little or no negotiation of safer sex practices, and as a result, advocates argue, HIV infection rates among this population and both their same sex and opposite sex partners has skyrocketed. This theory generated an outcry among influential leaders in the homosexual community, who have suggested that “down-low” men are really gay men in denial and had long commenced outreach efforts to bring them into the fold of the traditional gay community at large where prevention efforts have had notable success in the past.

At the other end of the spectrum is a less-well known but nonetheless powerful and equally influential school of thought that seeks to rid these men of their same sex attraction through prayer, religion, strong accountability, and specialized mental health treatment known as “reparative therapy.” In this way, one’s desire to live heterosexually is acknowledged and supported within the context of identifying and addressing the unmet needs, peer wounding, and unresolved childhood trauma that they argue is the basis of same sex attraction.

Each of these interpretations of same sex attraction and the methods prescribed to address the reckless sexual behavior that often ensues has resonated with and informed my experiences as I have sought to resist, manage, celebrate, exterminate, deny, and finally, accept my same sex attraction. I want to share more of my story with you…

I first noticed same sex attractions in 6th grade, when I had an erotic dream about my best friend. What a surprise these feelings were, for they came well after I had already established and acted on my opposite sex attraction. But something changed in my interactions with my male friends after that dream. As i noticed more and more same sex attractions, I began to feel self-conscious and awkward around the guys who attracted me. By the time I entered high school in 1986, all of the literature I’d come across in an attempt to understand these feelings shouted up from the page at me to accept and embrace my homosexuality, even in the face of unaccepting and hostile reactions from friends and family members. I felt I had no choice but to conclude that my same sex attractions indeed made me a homosexual. And I began to long for the utopia that was promised if I just accepted this.

Still, though, the physical and emotional attraction that I had to females never disappeared completely. As a result, I soon became aware that my same and opposite sex attractions were very different from each other. My same sex urges began to feel urgent, quickly building from a thought to a feeling to an outright obsession with satisfying this “need.” And consequently, meeting this need became compulsive, addictive, and extremely difficult to manage, much less ignore or reject. In 1991, three years after my first same sex encounter, I learned of my HIV status and immediately began to take advantage of the mental health services offered to me. Over the next several years, whenever I was able to admit to and seek help for my compulsive sexual behavior with men, I would also speak of my desire to live heterosexually. Invariably, I was accused of being in denial about or just unwilling to accept my homosexuality. To say that these therapists and the mental health treatment i received around coping with my same sex attraction were gay-affirming is an understatement. Instead of longing for a woman, I was told, it would be better to seek a long-term relationship with a man and the self-acceptance that that would generate would in-turn, greatly reduce my compulsive behaviors. From school guidance counselors to licensed physicians, psychologists, and psychiatrists, not one supported my desire to be heterosexual. The treatment goal for me was invariably getting me to acknowledge and accept my homosexuality.

When I disclosed my sexuality (and HIV status, of course) to my ex-fiance early in our dating, she and I were both convinced that our love for and commitment to each other would help me overcome my same sex attraction. We had absolutely no idea the ruthless opponent these feelings and behavior would be for us. We tried various methods over the course of our relationship to address my same sex attraction and the compulsive sexual behavior it caused me to recklessly engage in, but they all eventually succumbed to the beast that the addiction/compulsive cycle was. In the end, I was never able to resist engaging the behavior while we were together for more than six weeks at a time and as a result, I engaged in hundreds of same sex encounters over the nearly 5 years we were together. The first time I admitted that I had been unfaithful was devastating for her. So too were the second and third times. By then, we had already established a household and created a family together and the thought of losing that as a consequence of her reaction to my honest disclosure silenced any other motivation I had to let her in on just how much I was struggling to control my same sex attraction.

After my third disclosure, which happened to coincide with her last pregnancy, she gave me an ultimatum. I would have to seek specialized sexual compulsion therapy and establish accountability with a mentor in one of the ex-gay spiritual online groups we had familiarized ourselves with during online searches for how to fix my acting out and save our union. Of course, I agreed, and was able to find a weekly support group in the city run by Exodus, an international catholic ministry that claimed success in helping men overcome unwanted same sex attraction. I only went once: at 28, I was by far the youngest guy there, the only black guy, and the only guy currently in a heterosexual relationship. I had absolutely nothing in common with anyone else there except the desire to change my duplicitous sexual behavior and it just wasn’t enough for me at the time. I did initiate and maintain contact with several online support groups for overcoming same sex attraction, but stopped well short of being accountable to any member there.

Of course, the same sex attraction never went away and sooner or later would always lead to compulsive sex acts. But with no further way to unload the guilt and shame I felt at indulging these desires, the same sex attractions only intensified. During our last year together, I all but ceased trying to control them and basically acted out four or five times a week. I had the misfortune of “stumbling upon” several subway stations and public restrooms within them on the way to and from work where men would meet for quick, but intense anonymous sex encounters. With problems mounting at home due to miscommunication and the stress of raising three young children, and after falling further and further behind in my job duties as a result of obsessing over my same sex attractions and my failure to control acting out behaviors, my 29th birthday at the end of 2001 loomed as the beginning of the end of what had by then indeed become my double life…

to be continued