JNez@thirtydaes.2010

so my 7 year old nephew spent part of the weekend with us. he was supposed to go with his father, but he again backed out at the last minute, leaving his mom in a lurch for childcare. This is the same dude that has a problem with my same sex attraction and has expressed reticence, if not disdain, at his son spending time with me. this is also the same dude who has to be begged to take his son for any meaningful time in order to allow my sister-in-law some much needed “me time.” dude married another chick a few years ago and they just had a son together, so he’s also managed to sway the court into reducing his child support obligation to his first son.

i always like to give absent fathers the benefit of the doubt. early in the separation from my children’s mother, we had our share of miscommunication and my hubris resulted in her denying me time with my daughters for a few months. i thought i would lose my mind. every time i saw a child, my heart tore with agony at wanting to be with my children. i drowned myself in libations and work but it did no good. when our court date approached and i saw her in the waiting room, i was a formerly proud man brought to his knees, begging her to forgive me and more than willing to accept whatever terms to allow me to see my children again. of course, she was a reasonable woman, and those dark 2 months six years ago are but a distant memory.

i assume all absent fathers suffer the agony i did when i couldn’t see my children. i’ve seen too many broken men, ravaged by the streets they turned to when things didn’t work out with their children’s mom and suitable visitation couldn’t be agreed upon, to not believe that this is the case most of the time. but lately i’m beginning to have my doubts. i guess some dudes are missing that vital alarm that sounds when they can’t connect with their children. for me it was so loud that nothing could drown it out, no matter how hard i tried. there were children that i adored and was responsible for that were suffering without me in their lives. a combination of an absolute love for them that i’d never known before and an acceptance of my obligation as a man to care for them neutralized any notions i had of separating from them when i separated from their mother.

but my nephew’s dad doesn’t think about that when he sees me. he knows i lived with another dude and thinks that by being around me, his son may be exposed to “unnatural things.” oh yeah…like responsibility, nurturing, sacrifice, and running a household full of children as a single parent. so unnatural…for him, but not me. and even though when i drop my nephew off, his mom’ll take him into the bathroom and interrogate him to make sure he wasn’t touched inappropriately, i understand. mother’s have a right to be protective of their sons, however illogically they apply their suspicions. but if it gets back to me that his pops had something to say about the time he spent here, all bets are off.

*disclaimer: i’m not talking ’bout you. or you. or him. so who?

aren’t you

a little young and a little lithe

to wield such a wicked tongue like a whittled knife

but the bitter things you choose to write

only hint at the pain going on in your life

so i checked you

not to stress you

just a text dude

nothing stressful

but it led you

to think i’d sweat you

i’m not that screwed

so relax prude

a straight-up guy like me won’t lie

i read through your archives with wide open eyes

i was feeling you dude i admitted it too

i know you lurk in the fog silently reading my blog

impressed

no not yet

“to the left, to the left”

heard you smirk under your breath

thinking if you had ten cents

for every blogger that came and went

you’d be in St. Tropez

congratulating Jay-Z & Beyonce

still something about this

puts you on notice

as if my existence

will reduce your significance

don’t mean to presume i can only assume

that when I attempt contact

and you never get back

its because you can see that

there’s something that you lack

so you withhold feedback

hoping i still believe that

there’s no room for my truth

and so no one will read that

maybe you hate me because i somehow remind you

your motivation is gone and your ambition it died too

poor young buck

wondering what the f*ck

he did to this newbie who’s acting so rudely

he must want a feud he’s coming at me so cruelly

well being ignored just makes me simmer more

the further this goes makes my ego explode

oh wait, i got off track; i’m not angry about that

my venom’s reserved for only what you deserve

to not qualify this diatribe i would be so remiss

so i’ll reveal where these feelings have their genesis

though your intentions i suppose may not have been malicious

your refusal to respond to me i find so suspicious

forced to only conclude from your silence that this is

how you treat admirers brother you so dismissive

so why didn’t you play

daddy is busy son go away

i’m engaged right now

plus you flaming now

so demanding and so damn insecure

your mind is so young and i’m easily bored

these females surround you and you mock their ways well

my hostility confounds you but come on what the hell

i’m working on something i can’t be interrupted

there’s pens and crayons so draw a picture my son

you just don’t understand yet can’t wrap your mind around it

see grown men have secrets that little boys cannot keep yet

you’ll spill them like drinks see i know how you think

so while i make moves you just wait for good news

don’t worry i got this so be easy i insist

don’t treat me that way petulantly you say

i embrace you and look at you and wipe tears from your face

but come on i gave you blocks son why don’t you go play

i’ll never take for granted how i’m allowed to kick back

get to click and peck out thoughts on my keyboard and have people read that

i’m caught up in the validation and i’m loving the feedback

i’m sorta known now can you believe that

a broken man with tragic secrets broadcast to all

feels encouraged on his journey from the comments yall

“but this JNez guy man what the heck

hasn’t he got any self-respect

exposing himself, it’s TMI

he’s desperate,” my detractors cry

“i’m sorry, but blue pills here are in short supply

these red pills are free but don’t go down easy,” i reply

i’m willing to put it out there and help us rescue our lives

from toxic shame and destructive lies

but if i’m wrong and i need to apologize

if my ego inflates and leads to my demise

remember i shared my struggle with getting high

and i’m sorry the smoke got in my eye

I

blew your back out and now you’re out of work

blew her back out and now you await the new birth

while your six other kids

fight over the last of the Trix

well thank goodness tomorrow’s the first

II

but she’s 13; she’s too young to flirt

still abuse made her doubt her self-worth

snuck him inside

he brought trees, they got high

cried to ti-ti “but i wanted him to be the first”

III

tears and prayers as they lower her into the earth

but at the wake your best turns into your worst

“get off me!!” he protests

your hands gripping his neck

now why you started drinking at the funeral in the first?

IV

on line at social services with a lie you rehearsed

because you brought yourself something you didn’t deserve

light bill past due

56 people ahead of you

kicking yourself cause you shoulda been the first

V

home all day every day now your sanity’s on the verge

of collapsing while you fight the urge

should you online cruise

drink the rest of the booze

why in the world you quit your job in the first?

damn Isiah. you had nearly 5 years to reform the franchise back into the best show on broadway and

it was clear you had permission to take it as hood as you wanted

as long as you won it

but you didn’t, and now the real hoods prepare for the lynch

your replacement replaces the color

it more certainly resembles vanilla

time to assemble a team that’s a winner

begged to hand in your resignation over dinner

the knicks won’t win for black management is that whatchoo saying?