JNez@thirtydaes.com

my heart is very, very heavy this morning as the shock over michael jackson’s sudden death yesterday is replaced by grief & sadness. it is impossible to overstate the effect that his music has had on me over the last 30 years. i was on twitter yesterday afternoon when word begin to spread that michael jackson had been rushed to the hospital. for the next hour or so, i tweeted and replied to tweets seeking to determine if rumors and reports from the celebrity gossip website tmz that he had died were true. when the final, devastating confirmation came in around 630 pm eastern time, it generated a torrent of queries & posts on social network sites & search engines. it’s worth reproducing much of my microblog on twitter during that hour or so here so you get a sense of the astonishment and disbelief that i was expressing and responding to:

5:31 pm: say word? michael jackson rushed to the hospital. hmph. sounds like a ploy to back out of the london concerts next month

5:34 wikipedia hasn’t updated anything on michael jackson. cnn is really reporting as if mj is dead. oh please don’t let this be

5:40 if mj is indeed dead, i always thought he would die tragically this way relatively young. oh man….

5:42 cnn hasn’t announced anything but they are reporting this story as if they already know he is dead and are holding off on declaring it on air

5:45 pm: they’re talking about michael jackson in the past tense on cnn! oh no…they know something but are afraid to report it

5:51 omg no…reports are coming in from tmz confirming michael jackson’s death

5:52 oh no. if cnn’s banner confirms his death i will not be well #michaeljackson

5:55  i can’t accept this. no way…june 25 2009 can’t be the day that michael jackson died. it just can’t be

6:02 our wabc eyewitness news is still only reporting that mj is hospitalized. i don’t believe tmz

6:09: my mother just called me from north carolina. their local abc affiliate news is reporting that mj is dead

6:17 la times is reporting Michael Jackson is in a coma [Updated] | L.A. Now | Los Angeles Times http://tr.im/pMDd

6:20 i am stuck on my couch with the sickest feeling in the pit of my stomach. hoping against hope that michael jackson is still alive

6:22 wabc eyewitness news is reporting that michael jackson is dead, according to the la times. oh no

6:23 cnn says the la times & cbs news are confirming that michael jackson is dead

6:24 cnn’s banner reads that michael jackson has died but they have not confirmed it

6:32 abc’s world news tonight opens with confirmation of michael jackson’s death. oh no

6:34 now playing: michael jackson: never can say goodbye http://tr.im/pMLl

6:36 i don’t believe this…i just cant believe it. michael jackson can’t be dead

6:40 omg. omg. omg. omg. i’ve had to pour myself a stiff drink. we’re supposed to be eating family dinner together but i am distraught

6:42 my daughters and i are stunned. cnn just showed thriller’s dance break. they were doing the dance. we are heartbroken

6:50 this is crazy. but i’m so glad i can share this huge and heartbreaking news event with my twitter fam. michael jackson…i can’t believe it

7:00 i hope prince & madonna come to michael jackson’s funeral. omg i can’t believe we’re talking about mj’s funeral. it’s going 2 be a spectacle

7:01 and his children…who will raise them now? we were just talking about them a few weeks ago.

7:24 cnn has confirmed with the LA coroner that michael jackson is dead

8:02 just got off the phone with mom. we are all stunned. just watching the news coverage. michael jackson is dead

i spent the rest of the evening drinking, listening to michael jackson’s music & continuing to express and respond to the shock over his death.

i must say, i had a great fathers day 2009. the ex kicked things off by waiting in line at a local at&t store friday morning to get the new iPhone 3gs for yours truly! what an awesome gift! we spent the evening together while i familiarized myself with the new features.

friday was also field day at school for my 3rd grader. the whole family came out to support her: the ex wife (her mom), older sister, myself & of course the young nephew jaron. we all had a great time and she placed in 4 of the 5 events she entered!

there was another fathers day surprise awaiting me on friday evening when black twitterati selected me for a profile in their weekly celebration of interesting black folk on twitter. the laudatory and admiring post about my commitment to fatherhood & the raw, honest self-awareness illustrated in my tweets and here on the blog can be read here. you know that absolutely made my weekend

saturday was pretty mellow, considering the weather and all. the ex composed two terrific guest posts about manhood, fatherhood & his  relationships with me & the girls that i was eager to publish.

sunday, fathers day, i gathered the girls & my oldest nephew & his girlfriend and we headed up to connecticut to spend the day with my mother & sister who are visiting from north carolina this week. we met at my oldest cousin’s house in a family reunion of sorts and all of the children (who are cousins) were able to meet and/or get reacquainted while the adults did the same.

i was exhausted after all the driving today but it was good to see family again, especially to watch the children together. i am grateful for yet another great fathers day and thank you to the many of you who sent warm fathers day wishes my way.

SLEEP-OVERS with the JNez CREW

The Ex

Just the right music, conversation that goes from the serious to the silly, sharing dreams hopes and fears…..

The smell of incense, scented oils, fruity libations, and his Usher cologne………..

The right lighting, soft with shadowed movement from the candles………..

In after-glow the peace and best sleep ever after his release………

The morning after his natural essence lingers on the bed linens and when i notice the cap off the tooth paste and AXE body-wash…..

I relish in our relationship and know he was really here, it wasn’t just a beautiful dream….

The Little ones

The house is suddenly alive with little feet moving around quicker than i do when home alone…..

The kitchen counter is lined with favorite goodies, and grapes for a healthy balance…….

There are markers and colored paper being used to make testaments to their unconditional love that gets proudly displayed on the fridge held up with magnets………..

Then the barrage of questions that intelligent children ask and the fights over which movies to watch while we all settle in towards bedtime………..

Watching the movies and them fighting the sleep that eventually comes, I turnout the lights, cover them up gently, and tip-toe into my bedroom to fall asleep with a full-heart…..

Manhood-Fatherhood

Dark chocolate with a luminescent smile……
Intellect that flows like the Nile, yet humble…..
The symbol of strength and undeniable style…..
Refusing to give up stand still and crumble…..
Support..protection, and love given freely…never stumble
Adversity met with conviction for miles…..
The man the father revered for being unmistakeably original

what a difference a week makes! last thursday i’d written about how i’ve been struggling to cope with the return of depression & that my drinking and other vices were also becoming unmanageable. one week later, things are looking up tremendously! i started taking the additional anti-depressant last friday and it seems to have taken the edge off of the extreme feelings i’d been having. but even more dramatically, my state of mind has completely transformed now that i’m caregiving full-time for my infant nephew.

turns out my sister in law’s initial child care arrangements fell through when she returned to work monday after a 12 week maternity leave. she asked if i was an option and of course i said yes. the girls & i will be spending the summer with 3 month old jaron.  :-) i’ve always been an awesome nurturer of children and having a baby around the house again is just what the doctor ordered, so to speak.

caring for jaron these past 2 days has renewed my sense of purpose and responsibility again. you all know that despite my issues, fatherhood is very, very good for me. i take tremendous pride in my ability to love and care for young children. my youngest daughters are 8 and 10 and are demonstrating & appealing for more  independence. i suppose that has made me feel less needed and as a result, less worthy.

but now that i’m caretaking for an infant again, i’m looking forward to helping him discover himself and the world he’s now a part of. imagine seeing the world again through infant eyes, where everything is new & magical. the girls and i will be taking jaron on outings with us everywhere this summer. they are pretty able & attentive caregivers themselves and will be of great help to me. my daughters are amazed at observing how gentle, patient & nurturing i am with their cousin, as memories of my caregiving to them during their own infancy have long faded.

so yeah, i’m pushing a stroller again. but lemme tell you; i’m not the kind of man you see pushing his child’s stroller with one hand, trying to look cool and masculine. what foolishness. it makes you look detached from your role as protector when you push a stroller deliberately with one hand. it’s not a whip, fellas. you’re not supposed to look cool, your job is to navigate & nurture. i’ll always have both hands on jaron’s stroller, as i did with all my children. i value being perceived as a devoted father/caregiver more than i care about looking masculine or cool.

no more daytime television either. the girls still have 2 full weeks of school left so jaron and i will be enjoying classical music & reading when we’re not outdoors taking advantage of  june’s  good weather. i believe the research suggesting the harmful effects of television watching on young infants & the benefits of exposing them to classical music.

things are looking up, indeed. it’s going to be a great summer. but in august, i suppose i’ll have to begin to address school and completing my degree again…

I haven’t shared my internal struggle here on the blog in a while but the last few months have been extremely rocky for me emotionally. It seems my depression has returned & along with it despair, immobilization & an increase in the vices that I use to cope with these feelings.

I’ve been on zoloft, an antidepressant for the past 3 years. It had been a blessing, lifting me out of a suicidal despair that intensified back in 2006. The clarity & peace of mind zoloft had given me allowed me to restructure my relationships with those I’d hurt so much during the time my depression & rage went untreated. But over the past 6 months, I’ve begun to withdraw & isolate again. I went several months without contacting my mom & sister. Even more unsettling, I never returned to classes after April’s spring break. I’ve also begun to drink more and more often & engage more the compulsive & addictive sexual behaviors I’ve struggled with since adolescence. My housekeeping has also fallen off and my desire or willingness to upgrade what’s become an inadequate living situation has also faltered. I basically only have the energy to care for the girls when they’re here & even that seems to require more than i can often muster.

Back in march, routine labwork my physician ordered returned to indicate somewhat impaired liver function, due almost certainly to the increase in my drinking. I’m drinking up to 4, sometimes 5 days out of the week now, and I can kill a liter of stoli vodka in about 3 or 4 days. I’m still smoking weed also. as much as i understand that it’s harming my emotional, mental & physical health, i just can’t seem to committ to doing anything about it yet.

My routine rarely varies: as soon as the girls are picked up by their mom on Tuesday & Wednesday evenings, I’m reaching for the stoli. I drink until about 1 or 2 in the morning, often as much as 7 or 8 drinks, and smoke while I listen to music, watch sports & send bizarre, disconnected & often obsessive posts to twitter. I’m also usually downloading porn during that time & perusing online sex ads with the purpose of hooking up.

Now that the weather is warm, i’m also inclined get on my bike & head to the park where I listen to my iPod, drink, smoke & look to hook up with someone for a quick handjob or blowjob. If I’m unsuccessful, and sometimes even if i am, i still return home to watch porn & drunkenly masturbate before falling out in the wee hours of the morning.

I sleep until 12, get up to eat & cruise online sex ads or download porn again until it’s time to get the girls from school at 230. If it’s the weekend, I basically lay around watching sports waiting for someone to hit me up for sex until 5:00 when I can start drinking again. it’s only when i’m drinking that i feel content, confident & in the mood to socialize. when i’m sober i’m anxious, withdrawn & terribly, terribly melancholy. except when i’m with the girls…well at least i try not to be. i always bragged about my steadfast ability to not drink when i’m caring for them. but i’ve even crossed that boundary the last 2 or 3 fridays they’ve been here.

the good news is, finally, i met with my psychiatrist today and explained that my depression symptoms have returned and shared how i’ve been unsuccessfully coping with them. he prescribed an additional antidepressant, wellbutrin, that i’ll add to my regimen in hopes of diminishing the symptoms of depression again. the psych advised that adding wellbutrin will increase my energy level, pick my mood up, and return me to the level of functioning i’d grown accustomed to. he even joked that it may increase my libido. great. just what i need. at least the zoloft side effects will counter that so hopefully i won’t be burderned by any increased sex drive.

well, we’ll see…at some point i’ll have to address the drinking too. both my physician & psychiatrist are concerned about it and urge me to find a way to cut back. drinking & taking ssri’s (anti-depresants) is advised against, but i’ve been mixing them the entire time. from what i’ve read though, the addition of wellbutrin will itensify the effect of the alcohol. something sinister in me is looking forward to that. all i have to live for & i’m still not ready to address my alcoholism yet.  i’ll see what effect the enhanced regimen has and hopefully i’ll be ready to make some changes in a few weeks…

man oh man! you all can’t imagine the spell stephanie mills’ first album, whatcha gonna do with my lovin’ put on a 7 year old me back in 1979 every time moms would play it on the stereo lol. this album (along with michael jackson’s off the wall of the same year) probably has as much to do with my same sex attraction as anything poor dad did or didn’t do lol! see, moms was luxuriating back in 1979-80 when dad joined the army and left her, my sister & i to love & honor each other in the absence of his violence. this gem, stephanie mills’ debut album, was a huge part of our soundtrack of that wonderful year.

the huge r&b hits “whatcha gonna do with my lovin,” “deeper,” “put your body in it,” “you and i,” “feel the fire,” and “starlight” ensured that this was an album of amazing longevity. mom made sure that first album was always included when she played records for the next 5 years. we knew 30 years ago stephanie mills had a magical voice…and though her musical peers (teena marie, anita baker, phyllis hyman) and descendants (angela winbush, miki howard, mary j. blige) are gifted and sometimes even adequate, i always return to the original.

lady mills collected her biggest pop hit one year later when “never knew love like this” from her second album reached the top 10 on billboard’s hot 100. she kind of faded into a strange post-disco funk with her next few albums until 1986’s #1 r&b hit “i have learned to respect the power of love.” stephanie mills then returned to the forefront of r&b with two subsequent platinum albums, 1987’s if i were your woman & 1989’s home.

ms. mills’ career spans over 3 decades and she still tours regularly to sold out audiences across the united states & europe. she is indeed a modern r&b legend.